Usually, I do anything to kill any hint of softness or humanity she tries to see in me, but right now, I can’t.
All I can do is stop and stare as she whispers, “Thank you.”
Fuck.
Why is a simple thank-you enough to tilt everything off its axis? Why is this infuriating girl looking at me in this trusting way?
I’m tempted to crush that trust, to show her exactly why I’m the last person she should give this power to.
However, I find myself asking, “What do you dream of in that state?”
She sniffles and slowly releases me to wipe the tears off her face. I expect her not to answer, but then her soft voice carries in the small living room.
“Sometimes, it’s blurry images and faceless monsters. But often, I relive what happened back then, or at least, the helplessness of the situation and how desperately I wanted to stop it but couldn’t.”
That motherfucker will wish for death when I get my hands on him.
“Other times”—her voice tightens with emotion—“I dream of Mum’s and Papa’s devastated faces, especially Mum’s. When I started going out with him, Mum didn’t like him, and that dislike grew once she met him. She said he gave her a bad feeling that she couldn’t put a finger on, but I told her she was overreacting and that I was lucky to have him as a boyfriend. Can you believe I actually used that word?Lucky?”
She laughs to herself, the sound choked and uncomfortable, like her entire posture.
“He was popular, well-mannered, and good-looking, so I couldn’t figure out what exactly Mum found so wrong about him. Every time I talked about him, she’d get this weird expression on her face and try to convince me to find someone else. She’d tell me that I’m pretty and smart, and I could have anyone I want. But I refused and even disliked her for misjudging him. Little did I know that her feelings were spot on.” She sniffles. “After I got back home, I couldn’t face her and kind of fled to stay with my grandfathers. I still can’t face her sometimes. I keep wondering if everything would’ve been all right if I’d just listened to her instead of being stubborn. And somehow, I created some sort of a rift between us that I can’t mend.”
“You didn’t know.”
“But she did.”
“No, she didn’t. She only had a feeling, that’s all.”
“But I should’ve listened to her.”
“You. Didn’t. Know.” I enunciate every word. “Don’t blame yourself for something you can’t control. That’s where vicious ghosts lurk.”
She swallows, then clenches her hands in her lap. “I just feel bad for the feelings I had toward Mum at the time. She’s done nothing but support me in everything I’ve ever done. And I guess—I guess…I’ve been holding an inexplicable grudge against her all these years because of how absent she was sometimes.”
I tilt my head to the side. “Absent how?”
“She has depression and sometimes, maybe once every few months, she’d feel distant. Not that she’d push me away or anything, but I’d feel like I couldn’t reach her. I don’t know how to explain it. Papa would always tell me that she needed time, and usually, she’d come around in a day or two, but I hated how she had to deal with it on her own and I wasn’t part of the process.” She pauses and smiles awkwardly. “Saying that out loud makes me sound like a spoiled brat.”
A familiar pain I thought I was long over tightens in my chest. “No. You just didn’t like being pushed aside by your mother.”
“Right! I felt worthless and I couldn’t…couldn’t…”
“Do anything to help when she retreated into her own head. It was like she was dead yet looked alive.”
I regret saying the words as soon as they’re out, because Cecily looks at me differently. With tears clinging to her lids as if she’s about to cry again.
But she doesn’t.
She’s watches me intently, without blinking, as if she’s seeing a part of me she never thought existed before.
And because she’s an infuriating, smart little shit, she manages to put the pieces together. “Was…your mother like that, too?”
My jaw clenches, but I say nothing.
“Anni said your parents had issues before she was born and you were the one who brought them together. But did that happen at the expense of witnessing her deteriorating mental state?”
That big mouth Annika.