I am writing this letter unsure of if it will ever see the light of day. As of now, I have not heard from you in what feels like a lifetime. While I have the best of intentions for tonight, there is no guarantee that it will go the way I want it to. And so, before there is any room for disappointment or heartache to enter, I hope to put on paper all that I feel.
I am not a man of many words. I was never the most eloquent or well-spoken, so I highly doubt that my words tonight will do you any justice, yet I feel I must share them, nonetheless.
Our meeting, to me, was divine intervention. That first evening, when you crashed into me, was the diversion I desperately needed. We spent a good long while talking about why you were on the veranda, but I did not tell you why I had sought refuge from the crowd. The Leisure Ball was my fifth of the week, and I felt sorely out of place. The grief I felt for my brother was like a vice grip around my chest, restricting every move. Your gust of wind was a breath of fresh air, and ever since, I found it easier and easier to breathe.
I intend to announce Elijah’s passing tonight, and I can only hope that you forgive me for keeping something so important from you. I must admit, I was worried that I would spend the season swarmed by mothers looking for a titled gentleman to marry their daughters off to. The last thing I needed was a stranger being pushed on me. Or so I thought. As we exchanged our letters, and I grew to know you more, I found that you were exactly what I didn’t know I needed. I wanted to be a better nobleman, a better man for you. I wanted to be the kind of man you deserved. And so, I threw myself into the dukedom. I pushed myself to learn as much as I could about my estates, determined to grow them, make something of myself. While I am still no expert, I have no doubts that, should this all work out the way I hope it does, you will continue to push me to be better.
There is a story I wish to tell you. Perhaps one day I will tell you in person. For now, this will do.
During my second year in the military, I was in a battle. I was in many battles and was more than confident in my abilities to survive. In a short time, I had moved up the ranks and had a company of men to lead. We went into the battlefield the same way we had approached all the others. Only, this time, the French had a nasty surprise waiting for us. Our scouts had been misled, and their numbers were twice of what had been reported to me. We were sorely outnumbered. The battle was brutal as they met us on uneven ground. I wish I could say we lasted for hours, or that we gallantly won despite all odds, but that is not the case. It was over quickly. I watched as each of my men fell. Only, they weren’t just my men, they were my friends. I was the last to fall. A vicious warrior waited until he knew I saw that none of my company would survive, and then he attacked. It was his sword that gave me my scar. I do not know how long I spent in a French hospital, recovering from my wounds, nor could I tell you how long it was before my freedom was traded for other prisoners of war.
I spent much of that time contemplating why they allowed me to live. I did not understand what prompted the Frenchmen to kill the others while ensuring I survived. I have spent hours considering it, and the only answer I can come up with is this — I was saved so that I could meet you.
With every word we have exchanged, written or spoken, I have grown more and more sure that every hardship and heartache I have endured has brought me to this moment. I do not think they are the only reason for it all, nor would I wish for it all to happen the same way again, but as it has happened, I find I am grateful that it has brought me to you. I hope to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much you mean to me.
I have never told another soul that story as I have found no reason to. Yet, even without knowing how tonight will go, I still want you to know everything there is to know about me. I head into tonight feeling very much the soldier going into battle. Above all else, I want you to know that your happiness, your future, you are worth fighting for.
With love,
Benjamin
* * *
Benjamin could not breathe. He watched every detail of Felicity’s expression shift and move through a range of emotions as she pondered his question. Each second she took was agony. He was certain of his feelings for her. He wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with her, proving his words as truth to her. And yet, his wishes and desires were completely inconsequential if that was not what she wanted.
“Benjamin…” she said at last, the word sounding more like a prayer than his name.
“Do you love him?”
It was a painful thought, one that he hated to consider, but he had to know.
“What?” This time, her surprise at this question felt more like she struggled to believe anyone could think that she loved her fiancé rather than surprise at him asking.
“Lord Roberts,” he clarified, “do you love him?”
He waited for a beat before realizing she was stunned speechless. He had much to say, however, so he continued on.
“If you love him, if you love Lord Roberts, and you want to marry him, tell me now. If you truly believe a man like that could make you happy for the rest of your life, say the words, and I will go. I want you to know, no, Ineedyou to know that all I want is for you to be happy.”
She nodded, her feet keeping time to the quickly ending song. Her eyes darted between his as if she was trying to make sense of his monologue.
“But,” he continued, “if he is not who you want, if this marriage is not what you want, you must tell me, and I will do everything in my power to stop it.”
“What could you do?” she whispered, her voice cracking ever so slightly.
“As the Duke of Ferndown, there is much I could do.”
Her eyes went wide at his admission, and her mouth dropped into the perfect little circle of surprise. Had the situation not been so tense with so much riding on her response, he might have laughed. She was simultaneously stunningly beautiful and absolutely adorable.
“D-duke? You’re… you’re a duke.” She stammered out the words as her gaze flickered to his mother once more.
He might have guessed she was looking for his brother to waltz through the doors next and call his bluff. On more than one occasion, Benjamin had hoped that very thing would happen. But the reality was, he was not bluffing. His brother would not be walking through the door.
“How did you think I made it this far without anyone stopping me?” he asked with a wry grin. “I outrank everyone in this room.”
“That means th-that Elijah is…”
Tears formed in her eyes as the last piece to the puzzle clicked in her brain.