‘Every year!’ I say without thinking.
He raises an eyebrow. ‘You too? Well, aren’t we a pair of old Grinches?’
‘Not that old,’ I say.
‘Too young to feel like that, at any rate. You go first. Tell me why someone who has a wonderful job in her favourite city and has come home to spend time in the bosom of her loving family should feel so down.’
I take a sip of my wine. ‘It’s awful, isn’t it? Christmas used to be my favourite time of year.’
‘Mine too,’ he says. ‘What went wrong?’
The wine hits my stomach, and I feel a warm glow. ‘It feels strange to be spending Christmas with Mum and Dad. Everything’s exactly the same – the house, the traditions. And my parents are exactly the same too. It ought to be perfect. But somehow, it feels all wrong.’
‘Perhaps that’s because you’ve changed,’ he says. ‘Ah, here’s our food. I’m ravenous!’
I take a bite. ‘Good choice. This is delicious. Do you really think I’ve changed?’
‘Yes, I do. I can’t quite put my finger on it. You used to be more relaxed, more comfortable in your own skin. But over these past couple of years, you’ve seemed a bit on edge.’
He takes a bite of his chimichanga. ‘I’m probably completely off base. Everyone changes as they get older. But you don’t seem as happy as you used to be. Maybe that’s it. Are you happy, Annie?’
I open my mouth to tell him I’m perfectly happy, but I stop. This is Brandon – one of my oldest friends. If anyone will understand, it’s him.
I take another gulp of wine. ‘For the most part, I am. I love my job and my flat, and London’s a really exciting place to live.’
‘But ...?’ he encourages me.
‘I’m saying that I have the life I always dreamed of.’
‘Which is lovely,’ he says, pouring himself another glass of wine. ‘But plenty of people achieve their dreams, only to find they aren’t what they wanted after all. There’s no shame in that.’
‘I know. But that isn’t me. I love what I do. If I had a chance to do it all over again, I’d make all the same choices.’
‘That’s good,’ he says, still watching me carefully. ‘But I can’t shake the idea that something’s missing. You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone.’
‘Silent as the grave?’ I say, and he laughs.
‘It’s more that I don’t know any of the same people as you do. I haven’t even seen your parents for years, so there’s no one I could gossip to.’
‘And there’s nothing to gossip about anyway,’ I say. ‘Why don’t you tell me about your life? What’s going on with you?’
He seems to accept my change of subject. ‘Nothing much. Marcus and I broke up a few months ago.’
‘I’m sorry. Was it a joint decision?’
‘It was very much not a joint decision,’ he says. ‘It was a Marcus decision.’
He looks so dejected that I lean over to give him a hug. ‘I’m sorry, Brandon. For what it’s worth, I think he made a huge mistake.’
‘You never met him,’ he points out.
‘I didn’t need to. Anyone who dumps you needs their head tested.’
He looks a little more cheerful. ‘Who wouldn’t want to be with me, right? I’m a catch.’
I stop laughing. ‘Yes, you are. And don’t you dare forget it!’
He squeezes my hand. ‘Thanks, Annie. I’ve really missed you. We should make an effort to see each other more often.’