“One way to find out,” Wax said, walking toward the door to the basement.
“At least,” Allik said to the others, “we planned for it this time, yah?”
“Alwaysplan for an explosion around Wax,” Steris said. “It saves a ton of effort.”
Wax pulled the door open, then started down the steps.
16
Call and Son and Daughters Accounting and Estate might not havelookedlike a mortuary, but Wayne was absolutely certain it was one. Because you’dhave to be dead to enjoy working in such a place.
Tall Boring Guy and Short Boring Guy sat him down and started embalming him right away. Not with the good stuff either. He’dhave taken basically any kind of drink, but no, they had to use ink.
They dried his body out good first though.
“Your investments,” Tall Boring Guy said, “are too high-risk, Master Wayne. We recommend a more balanced portfolio.”
“How much money have I got?” he asked, sullen.
“Over twenty million at this point.”
Well, damn. “I told you,” he said, “to give it to people what don’t have any houses!”
“Yes, and your affordable housing project was wildly successful,” Short Boring Guy said, perking up and reaching for a ledger. “How you anticipated the impending subsidies is quite a stroke of—”
“And that girl?” Wayne said. “With the plugs in the walls?”
Tall Boring Guy smiled. “The revolutionary electric devices developed by Miss Tarcsel are at the forefront of your financial empire, Master Wayne! Profits areastronomical.”
“Your real estate investments were wise,” Short Boring Guy said, “but we need to liquidate some of your ownership in Tarcsel Electric and investin other, newer companies, to provide a buffer against competition—which is beginning to pop up now that the initial patents are lapsing.”
“You guys,” Wayne said, “really need to get girlfriends or somethin’.”
“Oh, we both are dating, Master Wayne,” Short Boring Guy said. “Garisel is quite popular, I must say. And you have no idea how wild lady accountants can be! Why, the other night—”
“Shut it,” Wayne grumbled. “Don’t rub it in.” Well, no use resisting. A man couldn’t run from his own funeral. Mostly because his legs don’t work when he’s dead. “Fine. Give me one of those damn hats.”
They looked at one another, but Wayne waved impatiently, so Tall Boring Guy finally took his bowler from the peg by the door and handed it over.
Wayne pulled it on, and his death was right and truly accomplished. Rust him all the way down to the bones. He eyed the ledgers, rubbing his thumb against the bottom of his chin. But that wasn’t enough, so he absently took Short Boring Guy’s spectacles from the man’s vest pocket, then tucked them into his own pocket.
Still not enough. “Kindly fetch me,” he said, “some honey tea with some lemon on the side and one tiny sprig of mint. Not too much, mind you, but enough to add some perk. You understand, don’t you, Garisel? Good man, good man.”
Soon he had it in hand while he surveyed the ledgers. They gave his last name as “Terrisborn,” since he had no proper family name. He kept reading.
Yes, yes. Numbers. That was plenty of numbers, all right. Of the high sort, which accountants like him liked to see. Hardly any red to the ledger. Yes, hmm. Not enough honey in this tea.
There was no denying what the ledgers said. Waynewasdead. And in his place lived a fellow who was fancy. No, who was downrightopulent.
“You at least,” he said, “have my bendalloy?”
An aide fetched an enormous sack of it. Enough to buy two or three cars, if he’dwanted.
“Right, then,” Wayne said. “Here’s what we’re going to do. You see this here?” He unfolded something from his inside pocket—a flyer recruiting boys for a local noseball league. “We shall give these chaps funding for equipment and will build for them a location in which to enjoy their engagements.”
“Sir?” Short Boring Guy asked. “Why?”
“We’ll include seating,” Wayne explained, “and allow everyone to watch. See, right now everyone wants someone to yell at. And we, my friends, shall provide it for them. We shall create a large-scale noseball league, with a team from each octant. I’ve thought, gentlemen, for some time that the city needs a way to become drunken in a proper and controlled manner.”