“Heh,” Wayne said. “That joke never gets old.”
“Because it was ancient the first time you tried it.”
Wayne grinned. “I was thinkin’ of the first time, after you caught Icy Ben Oldson. You know, when Blinker was your deputy?”
“I remember.”
“Can’t believe you worked with that guy,” Wayne said, taking another drink. “He couldn’t shoot worth a bean.”
“He had other skills,” Wax said. “You can’t shoot worth a bean either, it should be noted.”
That was true. But honestly, Wax had terrible taste in deputies.
“I do remember that first time you got me by shaking the bottles,” Wax said, sipping his beer. “I remember it well. It was the first time you really seemed to smile.”
“Yeah, well,” Wayne said, “I’m good at pretendin’ to be things I ain’t, you know? I eventually put together how to feign bein’ a person who was worth somethin’. It’s a good lie. Still manage to believe it.” He took a drink. “Mosta the time.”
“Wayne…”
“I don’t need a speech, Wax.” Wayne rested his head back against the metal support, closing his eyes. “I’ll be fine. Just gotta put on the hat…”
“You’ve been feeling worse lately, haven’t you?” Wax asked. Annoying, perceptive fellow. “This isn’t only about MeLaan.”
Wayne shrugged, his eyes still closed.
“Out with it,” Wax said. “I gave you a beer. You owe me an answer—those are the rules.”
Ruin that man. He knew the rules.
“I’ve just been thinkin’,” Wayne said softly. “Rememberin’ my family, and how ashamed my ma would be of me for turnin’ out to be a murderer. I’ve been workin’ all these years to pay it off, but I don’t feel no better. So I guess I’m beginnin’ to wonder: Maybe I can’teverdo enough good to balance the bad I done. Maybe I’ll always be worthless.”
“You can’t pay it off, Wayne,” Wax whispered. “That much is true.”
Wayne opened his eyes.
“Durkel, that man you killed,” Wax said, “he’s always going to be dead. Nothing you can do will change that. No number of good deeds will bring him back or earn you forgiveness.”
Wayne looked away, feeling sick—and not just because he was storin’ up health. “I know I said I didn’t need a speech, Wax. But I don’t know that you need to rub it in, neither.”
“Fortunately,” Wax said, “you don’t need forgiveness, Wayne.”
“Now that’s nonsense.”
“No it’s not.” Wax leaned forward, pointing with his bottle. “Wayne, would you do it again, if you had the chance? Rob a man for his pocket change? Shoot him when things get heated?”
“What? Of course not!”
“So,” Wax said, leaning back, “you don’t need forgiveness. Becauseyouaren’t the man who killed Durkel. Not anymore. The man who did that, well, he’s dead. Buried beneath six feet of the clay and rock that passes for soil in the Roughs. You haven’t been him for years.”
“I don’t think it works that way,” Wayne said.
“Why not?” Wax replied, taking another pull on his beer. “What’s any of this for, if people can’t change? If there’s no chance for you, Wayne, there’s no chance for anyone. We might as well shoot a man the first time he does anything wrong, because hey… he’ll never change, so who cares?”
“That’s not fair.”
“You’re not fair,” Wax said, “to yourself. I’ve watched you, Wayne. You didn’t become my deputy because you wanted redemption. You don’t keep fighting alongside me because you need to be forgiven. You do it because of the man you’ve become. You do it because you want to make the world better.”
“Maybe you’re wrong,” Wayne said. “You don’t know what’s in my brain, Wax. Maybe Iamcorrupt, through and through. You know how I am when I get in a brawl. Maybe I’m doin’ all this to get a chance to fight and kill folks. Because Ilikeit.”