She even laughed as I asked her if she was worried. “Worried about my sister? Sure. But I’m not as worried now that you’ve let it out and shared it all.”
It was a gentle revelation that she believed I could be okay, that she believed in me and my sobriety. And she’d wanted my reality, not my façade.
The structure I had was falling apart. And the change scared me. I just needed to work, needed time to myself, so I took it.
I went back to the job, and I avoided Cade for the last two days of the retreat. I avoided everything, the calls from the team, from the rest of my family, and even from Cade.
But avoiding life and the feelings inside of a soul always has a way of coming out.
21
Izzy
We’d celebrated our achievements on the last day of the retreat. JUNIPER was sent out to all the cybersecurity teams in every state, and we were assigned regions to make sure they would be taken care of. I set up protocols and trained the team to handle breaches, planning with all of them to have weekly video chat meetings up until the election.
Our last night, once I’d brushed my teeth in the guest bathroom and slipped into a Beethoven the dog T-shirt, I saw Cade lying on his side of the bed reading a comic book. Dressed only in sweatpants, tattoos painting his chest, and those glasses still on, my heart hurt not being able to climb on top of him.
I sighed and crawled into my side, then pulled my Kindle app up. I needed a good romance to live vicariously through.
“What are you reading?” he murmured, sparking the first conversation we’d had that day.
“Not sure yet. I should study some—”
“You should read for pleasure,” he immediately corrected me.
If only he knew about the types of books I read. The blush that stained my cheeks with his wording probably gave me away though.
He chuckled. “The look on your face tells me what I need to know.”
I scoffed. “What are you reading?”
“I’m reading for pleasure too. I can’t get the Harley Quinn out of you right now, so I’m reading the comics instead.”
Why did my throat instantly feel dry with his confession, like I couldn’t swallow down the pain of losing him that had started to grow in me? I had no control over the next words that came out of my mouth. “Can I read it with you?”
“Sure, dollface. Sure,” he murmured. Then he pulled me close, let me lay my head on his shoulder, and he read to me. The night stayed platonic, but somehow it felt more intimate than anything I’d ever experienced.
The next morning, we didn’t discuss anything. Instead, we said our farewells. I gave Rodney a hug goodbye, along with a few other people from different teams, then we all flew home.
Back in the office that Monday should have been fine, but I’d spent a weekend on my own. I’d stared at that terrible note longer than I should have. I cried in my bedroom and then in my spare room and then contemplated calling the man I felt I should be living without.
I painted picture after picture, and all of them reminded me of roses. I sat at my computer, ready to work, but couldn’t find the drive to do it. Bug purred around my legs most of the day, consoling me, which obviously meant I was in a funk. She wasn’t a loving cat.
When I saw him saunter in Monday morning, I avoided his gaze but felt the heat of it on me. He welcomed everyone back and congratulated us all, but especially me, on a feat not many in our industry could accomplish. He said it in front of everyone, and I blushed without looking up. The compliment coming from him was a fucking accolade that I would think about for the rest of my life.
Yet, I didn’t care about it right then. I cared about the way his voice slid over me, the way it felt like it was rubbing all the best parts of me, and how I wanted him all over again.
The rest of the week wasn’t any better. I was back in pencil skirts and stilettos with my high ponytail even though every day I yearned to wear a T-shirt to work, to abandon the professional look, and let my hair down. I instead worked quietly on tasks Juda assigned to me from Cade because Cade wouldn’t come talk to me. We’d all gone back to way it was. I even stayed and worked late every night since I had nothing else to do with my life.
I really didn’t. At least Gerald had stopped texting me. Except I had Cade to thank for that, too, which depressed me even more. And my sister was being more than a little annoying with her group texts—like I needed more on my plate.
Lilah: So, I feel like you need to tell our brothers what you told me over your work trip.
Dom: I think you need to tell us too, Izzy. What’s up?
Declan: Don’t leave us hanging.
Me: I’ll tell you all in good time.