I know what I’m going to do before I can even have a rational conversation with myself about it. I know because I’m in my truck, driving toward the highway, and I know what it would take to stop me.
Calling her. If I told her what I was going to do, she’d tell me to stop, and even though I wouldn’t want to, I’d quit because I don’t want to hurt her.
She’d only say no because she can’t take any more pain right now. I get that. I really do.
I could call Beau because he’d surely talk me down or physically show up and restrain me–or attempt to restrain me.
But I’m doing this.
For her.
The lasagna was good but my plans have me hungry. When I’m just twenty minutes outside the city, I pull up to a taco truck and park. While burning my mouth on the best fuckin’ carne asada taco known to mankind, I use my other hand to send two text messages.
Atticus:I’m gonna be out tomorrow. Miller’s got a handle on shit out back.
A moment later, Beau responds
Beau:Cool. Everything ok?
Atticus:Yep
Once that’s pushed off my mental plate, I send the second text.
Atticus:Thanks for saying yes to mom tonight.
Goldie responds quickly.
Goldie:She saved me tonight. I’m so grateful to her.
My chest tightens.
Atticus:How’d she save you?
Goldie:I ran into someone who worked for me. It was triggering. I had a good cry in my car, and that’s when Edie called.
Goldie:Is it weird to say I love your mom? Because I do
Atticus:I’m glad she called you
Goldie:I’m glad you were there
Atticus:Me too
Goldie:I want to be with you, you know that, right?
Atticus:I won’t stop you from tellin’ me again
Goldie:Thanks for never making me feel like the mess I am
Goldie:And for waiting
Atticus:Sleep good, Goldie girl.
Atticus:My good girl
Goldie:Goodnight, grandpa
Goldie:Okay, I need a better pet name for you than that