“I hate myself anyway.”
“You shouldn’t.” I mean that, and I also want to know why she hates herself, but she’s drunk and minutes away from meeting up with that alcohol-induced slumber. “I’m putting you to bed.”
“Aww,” she slaps my chest as I finally begin moving through the cabin. I notice the fire needs more wood so after I get her to bed, I’ll come back and stoke it. “What a gentleman.”
“You were about to fall asleep on the kitchen floor.”
“Where am I sleeping?” she asks as I nudge a bedroom door open with my foot. I flick on the light. Both of us blink for a moment, our eyes struggling to calibrate. “In here?” She loops her arms around my neck. “Let me stay in your room. I’ll sleep on the floor. Please. I don’t want to be in this room alone.” Her eyes are wide, and even though she’s drunk, I can see real fear in her.
“You ain’t sleepin’ on the floor, Goldie.” I turn the light off and carry her across the hall to my room. I turn on the light and put her in the middle of the full-size bed. “This is my room. You can sleep in here. I’ll be in later. I ain’t tired yet.”
“I don’t want to steal your bed; I just don’t want to be alone.”
Twisting the doorknob with one hand, I pause at the doorway for a second and take her in. She looks fuckin’ tiny in that bed, which ain’t all that big itself. She swipes under her eye. “I know,” I tell her.
“I feel stupid,” she hiccups, sounding drunk in her delivery but sober in her words.
“Don’t worry; I won’t tell anyone that badass Goldie has feelings under there.”
She laughs, wiping beneath both eyes as she does. “Thanks,” she slurs with a sad smile. Fuck that sad smile.You look beautiful tonightis on the tip of my tongue, but it ain’t like that with us. And I can’t let a little wine and snow make me think it is.
“By the way,” she says as I’m about to pull the door shut. “I saw your boner.” She pulls the sheets up to her nose, hiding her face as she laughs.
“Mature,” I say.
She lowers the sheet long enough to say, “and Iknewit!”
I tip my head to the side, exasperated. “You knew what? I have a cock, and it gets hard around beautiful women because that is the sole job of a cock?”
She goes speechless for a second, making the guest of honor rise a little. “No,” she says, swallowing dryly. “I knew it was a monster.”
I open my mouth to argue, to say anything at all in response but quickly close it when I realize what she’s said. Yeah, she saw me sporting a halfie tonight, and because I’ve seen my cock in all states and forms, I know what she saw. But she said knew, meaning she’s thought about it before.She has wondered about my cock.
“You thinkin’ about my cock a lot?” I ask her, feeling bold but also guilty because sex banter should happen sober or else it feels creepy.
“Sometimes,” she answers honestly. This woman is not at all who I thought she was. She’s even better, and that fuckin’ freaks me out a little. It makes me want things that are hard to want. Need things I don’t deserve.
“And by the way, I just want a career and a man who means the world to me and who I mean the world to. Too. Also.” Hiccup. “Who I am his worldas well.” She swipes her hand through the air but does it so fast that she falls over, right into the pillows. “You knew what I meant,” she calls up. I flick the switch to turn off the light.
“I knew what you meant. I’ll bring you water soon. Go to sleep.”
“When are you coming in?” she asks with a slight panic in her voice that I really don’t like. I wanna know why that panic is there.
“Soon. An hour or so.” I pause for her response. Her voice is soft when she whispers, “I’m sorry. I just don’t like sleeping alone when I’m drinking.”
“Don’t be sorry, just go to sleep. I’ll be in shortly.”
“Okay, Goodnight. And thank you.”
“Night, Goldie.”
I close the door, and instead of stoking the fire and doing the dishes right away like I’d planned, I stand in the hallway and knead my sternum with my fist, wondering what this sudden ache beneath my ribs is.
I smile when I think about how cringed out Goldie’s gonna be tomorrow when she finds out all the things she said to me tonight.
* * *
After I’ve stokedthe fire enough to keep her roarin’ for another handful of hours, I clean up the mess from dinner and get the kitchen ready for breakfast. Even though Beck and Beau said they’d be bringing food up here, I’ve been camping and backpacking alone for years, and the first rule is never go anywhere without three days of food and water. You never know just how fast shit can veer off-course.