Before I can talk myself out of it, I send another text.
Beck:I’m still processing the fact that Dustin doesn’t want to see Jett or know him. So when you made a comment about him, I felt very triggered. When Dustin and I were together, I defended him a lot. Protected him, I thought. Anyway, I guess I’m still defending him when he needs no defense.
Beau:I understand. I’m sorry I disparaged him the way that I did. No matter what I think or feel about the man who left you and Jett, it isn’t my place to say. I want you to know, along with cursing that I will never talk poorly about his father in front of Jett ever again.
My eyes burn with tears at that message. I read it twice, and then I take a screenshot and send it to Goldie. She’s definitely already on the road, but once she stops for coffee or sugar, she’ll see it.
Beck:I want to keep seeing you, Beau.
Beau:I know you do, Beck. I know why you’re scared too. But it’s going to be okay. Okay?
Beau:BTW, just so we’re clear, you make my mouth water, so don’t tell me I need to go find someone perkier.
Beau:Text me later. Feel better.
Beck:Thank you for everything. And hey, you said you were going to call today, and you texted instead.
Beau:I did call. Check your phone. When you didn’t answer, I sent the texts.
Sure enough, when I look at my call list, Beau is right there, next to Dustin. Above him actually. How had I not seen that this morning when I saw Dusty’s name? Leaning back to rest my tired and heavy head against the recliner, I close my eyes, thinking about the fact that his name was clearly there and yet all I saw was Dustin’s.
Dustin clearly never wanted me. I was his placeholder until he met…her.
His client. A social media influencer even younger than Beau. What world do we live in where being a social media influencer is asix-figurejob, I have no clue. I guess it’s the same world where said influencer falls in love with her married entertainment lawyer.
Somebody call Hallmark. What a fuckin’ love story.
He stopped seeing me the moment he signed her. Before then even, I think he just stayed married to me because there wasn’t a reason to go through with the divorce yet.
Either way, I don’t want to be so busy watching a ghost that I miss the real life happening in front of me.
Even if it is scary.
Beck:Shit, you’re right. I was out. Must have a fever, I normally always hear my phone.
Beau:Go rest. I’ll text you shortly.
Beck:Have a good day at work
Beck:I’ll miss you this morning
Beau:You just made my day, baby
My grin only lasts a moment because Jett wakes up, and it’s then I know–we’re sick.
His white blonde hair is fused to one side of his face, sweat working like glue to keep it plastered down. On the other side, the pillowy wisps stick straight up. He blinks a few times, his big blue eyes looking slow and hazy. This is when my normally happy baby boy would smile, reach a chubby hand for me and shout, “Ma! Ma!”.
I should have recognized that when he got up to nurse a few hours ago, he only ate on one side and didn’t empty me like usual. I thought maybe he was just tired. I know now it’s because he wasn’t feeling well.
Lifting him from the crib, I press my lips to his forehead, assessing his body temperature. Shit, he feels warm, but I can’t tell if it’s him or me. He curls his hands in my hair, crying out a medley of words.
“Ma, ma!”
This is the first time Jett has been sick and hearing your sick child cry your name is a heart wrenching experience. Even though I know it’s just a bug, my chest tightens and my stomach turns over.
This is why it takes two people to make a person. Because it takes two people tocarefor one, too.
More dormant anger comes to life inside me when I think of how I’m handling another tough situation alone simply because Dustin didn’t want us. Jett screams, straightening his legs as he tries to worm out of my grasp. I get him on the changing table, singingOld Mac Donaldto him as I change his diaper, all while my head is pounding its own little tune calledIf you don’t sit down, you might pass out.