Returning to the present while yawning again, Goldie asks, “Did you know Beau meant male suitor?”
I snort. “Of course I know. I watchedThe Golden Girlsjust like you did!”
Goldie, whose full name is Goldie Hawn Berry because she was conceived while her parents watchedOverboard, enjoys all of the classic TV shows that I do.
“Blanche was the best.” She pauses, then hits me with our favorite quote from the spunky, retired character. “Eat dirt and die, trash.” We both laugh.
“Man, they don’t make TV like they used to,” Goldie muses.
“Yeah, because it was horribly offensive and completely problematic,” I reply, forcing myself to sit up in bed.
I glance at the baby monitor and see Jett sound asleep, rump straight in the air. We were up an hour and a half ago to nurse, and normally he’d stay up, but with his teething lately, he’s been a little fussy the last two days. He wanted to go back to sleep, and so did I, so we did.
“Beau’s good, but we got into a little fight thing last night.” I pull at a loose thread on my comforter, thinking about all the things I said to him.
“Uh oh.”
Why those two words made my eyes shut and my head shake, I’m not sure. Because I didn’t say or do anything wrong. I was honest with Beau. He shouldn’t make attachments he can’t promise to stay true to. It’s not fair.
Without missing a lick of detail, I tell Goldie all about our date, from top to tail. I didn’t spare a single note because 1. I need her advice and 2. She actually wants to know. Between the two of us, we have a list of failed relationships behind us. We are each other's biggest cheerleaders.
When I’m done with all of it–including this morning’s text messages which I’d only just read–I ask for her input.
“Please tell me something that will make me feel less terrified.”
She huffs out a breath like she’s annoyed with me. “Why are you terrified?”
Insulted, I reply with a figurative hand on my hip. She doesn't have a second heart to worry about so she can’t possibly understand this. “It’s not just a big game anymore, Goldie. I don’t know what Jett will remember or when, but I have to protect him.”
“You know,” she says, and something about her shrill tone tells me I’m not gonna like whatI know. “Dustin’s not going to change.”
“I know that,” I snap back because while I spilled my guts about Beau, I left out the part about my conversation with Dustin afterward.
“You say you know, but you have a really sweet, hot guy right in front of you that misses Jett and looks forward to seeing him, and wants to essentially be your boyfriend. And what are you doing with it?” She lowers her voice even though I know both of us are alone. “You’re still hoping Dustin comes back.”
“I amnot.”
Am I? Ididcall him and give him three months' notice about Jett’s party with supremely high hopes that he would show up. But I want him to comefor his son, not for me. I have absolutely zero desire to see that cheating prick with a small dick and a big ego.
Those proportions just don’t work for me anymore.
“I’m not,” I say again. But now I’m doubting myself. I don’t feel like I want him back, but I can’t deny the fact that I want a family. I realize I have my mom and dad, and Jett is my guy. I love him to fucking pieces.
But when I got married, I did it because I wanted a husband and children. My parents made it look so good. I had to have it.
And I’ll never stop wanting it.
I just know now that I won’t have it with the man I once thought the world of. I also know now that’s a blessing.
“I really don’t want to fall in love with a twenty-six-year-old and get my heart broken and look like a complete moron and have Jett be calling his name for two months until he replaces his memory with something new.”
“That’skind of what I thought.”
I sigh. “His heart may not hurt about Dustin right now because he’s too young, and he can’t miss what he doesn’t know. But one day, he’ll know that Dustin didn’t choose him. And it will break his heart. It’s a fact.”
Goldie sighs softly. “Oh, Beck.”
“And I just don’t want to add to that, you know? I mean, Iamhiding behind that reason a little, too, I won’t lie. But my heart aches, Goldie. Like, this all-encompassing chest-numbing throb every time I think of what I lost.”