Atticus uses his girly voice, which is horrifyingly good. “Mommy loves you. See you at Grammie’s later.” He wiggles his fingers in a feminine and childlike wave.
I don’t say another word to them about her for the rest of the day.
* * *
I goto bed hating myself. Because even knowing she’s a mom and could be married, I cannot stop fucking thinking about her and her smart mouth, beautiful curves, and plump lips.
I’m really nothing like my father, am I? He would never be interested in another man’s woman.
I drive my fist into the pillow beneath me and force my eyes shut. I’m fucking the lowest of low.
4
Beck
There was this kid at the shop where I took my car last week.
“Good morning, dahling,” Goldie drawls over the phone in her most uppity socialite voice. “How’s the new place after the first week? How’s Jett liking his new room?”
I lower myself onto the couch, my exhausted little boy in my arms. He’s an hour past his morning nap time because we had to make a last minute trip to the hardware store. Our millionth for the week.
I drop the strap to my romper, his little hands already smacking and curling into my sensitive flesh.
My entire breast tingles as he brings his mouth to my nipple and latches with a hungry, frantic snort. “It’s good. We’re tired,” I say, pinching the phone to my ear with my shoulder as I press my hand to my breast. I always have to hold it when he’s gone this long without nursing, because until he eats for a little bit, my boob is so enormous it may actually smother him.
Holding my breast while his legs kick into all of my other organs, I tip my head back and close my eyes. “How’s the city?”
Goldie yawns. “That yawn wasn’t my answer, but my answer isn’t much more exciting.”
I wince a little as Jett twists his head to blink up at me, taking my nipple with him. But eight months into nursing, my nipples are used to tough love. Not much really hurts anymore. Well, my boob that is.
“I can’t believe that. You’re in a city. With men. And total freedom.” God, it feels good to rest my head and neck. I swear the couch swallows my ass whole as Jett nurses and I listen to Goldie for the next hour.
She’s a great reminder of the grass not always being greener. She may have gravity on her side and nipples that aren’t cracked and sore, but it seems like pure love is hard for all of us to find, no matter how perky your tits.
By the time we hang up, I’ve learned about several disastrous Hinge dates and find myself feeling a bit luckier to go to bed alone. She’s coming back tomorrow to visit, since she–on top of the bad dating luck–is having problems at work. As the PR manager for a Major League Baseball team, a date gone wrong with the team manager has her feeling antsy for vacation.
After getting Jett in his bed, I topple into my own, exhausted but looking forward to seeing Goldie tomorrow. Even though she was just here a week ago, I’m more than eager to welcome her back. Girlfriend time is much needed.
* * *
“Okay,so we’ve established, no Hinge for you,” Goldie says, eyes wide after I went on a five-minute tirade about the stretch marks on my hips and the massiveness of my breasts. Though she thoroughly disagreed with my view that no man would want this playground of skin and baby weight, she dropped the issue because she could see the crazy vein in my forehead popping.
“Onto safer topics,” she says, smoothing her hand through Jett’s silky white hair. He gurgles as he shoves a bath book into his mouth, drool shining on his chin. I wipe his face with the hem of my shirt and turn back to the cabinet that I’m filling.
I’m finally getting my boxes unpacked because something I’ve learned thatdoesn’thelp depression is feeling cluttered and disorganized. I’ve been grouchy and edgy lately. I even snapped at my dad when he came to replace the faucet in my master bathroom. He’d done a perfect job, and yet I criticized him simply because the wrong man fixed my sink and I took it out on a good one.
“You still doing your little hobby?” she asks, popping a piece of Jett’s cut up pear into her mouth. He was over it about two bites in, after ten minutes of peeling and cutting, and is now dragging himself around the kitchen floor between Goldie and I, chewing on anything and everything.
I give her an annoyed look. “Yes, I am still driving forWheel Get You. Why do you say it like I’m working in a freaking meth lab?”
She pops another piece of pear, her stoicism unwavering as she says, “it’s extremely dangerous for a woman like you.”
I roll my eyes and think of Beau. The kid from the Wrench Kings shop who told me to calm down when I was rightfully upset. And instead of likening Goldie’s comment to his, my brain drifts back to him following me out.
He wanted to make sure I knew he was really sorry.
And Jesus, I’d forgotten all about him getting my bill paid. He could’ve gotten fired for that. Hemayhave.