“Why?”
The door swung all the way open, and Axel crossed his arms, tipping his head as if to sayseriously? “You’ve been at it since late morning. That’s more than twelve straight hours in this chair.”
“I’ve peed a few times,” I told him, but the words withered in the space between us.
“I know how you get,” Axel said succinctly. “You need to stop, and you need to go to bed.”
I shook my head, turning back to my computer. “No, dude. There’s too much to do.”
“Damian.”
Axel’s tone made me turn back to face him. He looked serious now. More serious than I’d expected.
“You’ve been acting crazy since you fired Jessa,” Axel said in a low voice. “You’re being an overboard workaholic now, even for you. It’s kinda freaking me out.” He pointed to the whiskey bottle. “Was that full when you started?”
Frustration tore me in two, and I sighed. “What else am I supposed to do? I can’t let up. Not letting up is the only way I can make a fucking difference, Axel. What am I worth if I’m not making a difference?”
Axel’s face softened and he came into the room, his footsteps falling softly on the carpet. “Do you really believe that?”
“Yes.”
“Do you realize that no matter how hard you try, you can’t save the world?”
I huffed and shook my head. “Axel—”
“All we can do is inject a little bit of good here and there.” He dotted his finger in different places in the air. “That’s it. That’s the most we can hope to accomplish in our lifetimes.”
“Yeah. And even with those few spots of good, there’s so much bad that comes with it,” I mumbled.
“That’s life, brother. A healthy mix of shit storms and rainbows.” Axel shrugged. “What are you gonna do but find the ones you love and hang on for dear life?”
I hefted with a laugh, but it faded quickly. “I’ve got you and Trace. That’s all I need.” I started to turn back to my computer, but Axel stilled my chair with his hand.
“What’s the deal with Jessa?” There was no sarcasm in his voice, no game between us. This was a raw, honest question. And it nearly brought me to my knees.
“I think I made a mistake, Axel,” I said, squinting up at my brother. “I know we had some evidence and data, but I think we were wrong. Everything in my body rejects what we decided. I almost fucking punched Francis in the conference room for what he said about Jessa’s dresses.”
Axel hung his head, shoving his hands into his pants pockets as he listened to me.
“But I can’t take it back. I fired her because I needed her to be away from me. Because I fucking fell in love with her, Axel. And I just…I can’t have that.”
“Why not? Don’t you want love?”
For a moment, I didn’t even know what to say. It seemed so obvious. Loving Jessa meant risk. It meant more things that could be taken from me. More ways to destroy my hard-won semblance of stability. Having Jessa in my life meant accepting the fact that I was loveable—worthy of love—after the failure with my sisters.
“Of course I want love. But that doesn’t mean I get to have it. Losing Jordan and Kaylee was my responsibility. My fault. No matter what I do, I can’t convince myself I deserve her, because I lost our little sisters.”
“Damian—” Axel reached out for me, but I barreled on.
“And if I lost them, I could lose her. You see what I mean? It’s too dangerous to get involved with someone who means that much to me.”
“But Trace and I mean that much to you,” Axel said. “You don’t worry about having us in your life.”
“I do,” I told him. “Because that’s the other side of this stupid fucking coin. Whenever something good comes my way, something much worse comes right behind it. It’s happened enough times to be a fucking data set.”
Axel looked unconvinced.
“Don’t believe me if you don’t want to.”