CHAPTER ONE
JESSA
“Listen, you’ll find someone else.”
My roommate—no,formerroommate now—shoved sparkly dresses from her closet into the open suitcase on her bed. She offered me a consoling smile, as though moving out four days before ourNew-Yorker-than-hellrent was due somehow formed part of the regular landscape of life.
My stomach bottomed out for the third time that morning as I watched Nicole prepare to walk away from our two-bedroom in Brooklyn.
“I don’t have the money,” I croaked, my mouth desert dry. “I…there’s no way.”
Because there wasn’t any way. I was a fresh transplant from Kentucky, less than six months under my belt and just enough cash each month to make ends meet. I didn’t have a spare month’s rent saved up. I didn’t haveanythingsaved up, unless my hopes and dreams could be converted to currency somehow. I pressed a hand to my forehead, wishing I hadn’t opted for the belted dress this morning. The pressure around my waist made me feel like puking.
“Jessa, trust me,” Nicole called out after me as I stumbled down the hallway in search of fresh air or a hidden stack of money. “You’ll find something! People always do in New York.”
“What the hell do you think I’m gonna find?” I shouted as I gripped the edges of the sink in our too-small bathroom. My Kentucky twang sounded louder than ever as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. “A job as a stripper? Nicole, I’m too big for stripping!”
Nicole sighed loudly. “What are you talking about? Anybody can be a stripper these days. All I’m saying is put your ear to the ground. Make a post or two on social. At this price, you’ll have a replacement for me in twelve hours.”
“A serial killer replacement, maybe,” I shot back, studying the familiar contours of my face as a way to ground myself. I’d calmed myself the same way as a teen, when my mom got too loud with her boyfriend of the week in the living room or the partying threatened to spill over and ruin my chill. I traced my hairline with my eyes, imagining a lead pencil tip following the curves. I drew my face in my mind’s eye, imagining the scratch of pencil against paper as I reconfigured my own face and body as a fashion sketch. Drawing out my fantasy—via the perfect body, the perfect clothes, the perfect runway—was one of my tried-and-true methods of calming the anxious thrum in my chest.
But I could only hold off the anxiety for so long.
Rent was due infour mother-cluckin’ days.
“You are underestimating the power of Manhattan,” Nicole said in a sing-song voice as she continued to pack up her life and leave me in the lurch.
I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a sigh. “Pretty sure I’m not,” I muttered to myself.
If anything, I underestimated the power of life to throw me curveballs right when I was on the verge of achieving anything. I wasn’t in New York just for funsies. I was here to start putting together the puzzle pieces of my future. The puzzle I’d let others convince me I couldn’t ever solve. The puzzle I’d even convinced myself I shouldn’t solve.
I was here to get my fashion design certificate and finally make a go of my deepest and longest held secret dream: become a fashion designer for plus-size women, with a special focus on dresses that lookedamazing.
My phone vibrated in the secret pocket I’d sewn into the side of my dress. I fumbled to extract it from its position against my thigh. The screen read JEREMY.
“Hello?” I tried to keep my voice level. Jeremy would know something was up at the slightest waver. As a very good and perpetually concerned big brother, he was excellent at sniffing out trouble.
“Jessa?” Jeremy’s familiar baritone was calming, but the pause on the other end told me he was already on to me. “Everything okay?”
I gulped. “Sure. Why do you ask?” From down the hall, Nicole loudly zipped her suitcase. I looked back at my reflection in the mirror and imagined the pencil lines.
“You sound like something’s wrong,” he said.
“Well, this is just me!” My voice came out unnaturally bright. Slightly psychotic, even. “Just, you know, being myself.”
“Jessa, it’s time!” Nicole’s voice broke through my pitiful attempt to keep it together. I let out an exasperated sigh.
“See, I knew there was something wrong,” Jeremy said. “Did I call at a bad time? What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I said, still committed to keeping up the ruse. I darted out of the bathroom, watching as Nicole rolled two wheeled bags to the front door of our overpriced shoebox. “Can I call you back?”
“All right, I’m leaving forever,” Nicole stated dramatically with a little eye roll. She’d always been prone to theatrics, but then again, what struggling actorwasn’t?
“Who’s leaving?” Jeremy hissed.
“I’ll call you back.” I swiped the phone off before he could pester me anymore. My family loved to swarm like vultures on my New York adventure. Waiting for the first sign of rot so they could dive in to tear apart the carcass of my dreams. Well, that might have been a bit strong for Jeremy. But my daddy, mom, and older sister were licking their chops waiting for me to fail.
Any excuse to tell me to pack it up and head home.