I tell them about the first time in Charlotte and then the second time in the garage. I get hot and bothered recounting it, confessing that for the last month, we’ve been sneaking around.
“So you set ground rules?” Soledad asks, walking the charcuterie board in from the dining room and setting it on the coffee table in the center of the living room. “Well, that was smart.”
“His therapist said we should,” I brag.
“He told his therapist?” Hendrix laughs. “Wow. He’s come a mighty long way from the guy who wouldn’t go near one before.”
“Right?” I smear cream cheese and a bit of jelly onto a cracker.
“I know it’s hot and all,” Hendrix says, some of the humor draining from her expression. “But real talk. Where are you with this whole thing?”
“Oh, me?” I bring the white wine to my lips, taking a sip. “Helplessly in love.”
“And how does he feel?” Soledad frowns.
“He’s…he doesn’t…” I shake my head, frustrated and not sure how to articulate what’s going on with Josiah despite the ground rules we laid. “He says it could never be just fucking with us, but at any point if either of us says it’s over, no hard feelings.”
“That’s a far cry from ‘helplessly in love,’” Soledad says.
“I want this.” I swing a sober look from one friend to the other. “For as long as I can have it. I want him. Do I secretly hope he falls in love with me again? Yes.”
“Girl, fall?” Hendrix scoffs. “You can’t tell me that man ever felloutof love with you. Vashti was himtryingto get over your pretty ass. I do believe all’s well that ends well, and you will get your man when all is said and done, but you need to take care of yourself.”
“Yeah,” Soledad agrees. “Are you guys exclusive?”
“Yes.” I frown. “I mean, I didn’t ask, but yes.”
“Onyourend, yes.” Soledad pops an olive into her mouth. “But you haven’t asked if he’s sleeping with anyone else?”
“I know he’s not. I mean…Si has never…he wouldn’t—”
“Of course not when you were married,” Hendrix says. “But ain’t no ring on your finger or his. What’s stopping him from smashing somebody else? And is that a deal-breaker for you?”
Absolutely. The thought of him with someone else…I drop the hunk of Gouda to my plate. Feeling sick, I take a gulp of wine.
“It didn’t take superb investigative skills to figure out you two had unfinished business. The man can’t keep his eyes off you, and vice versa,” Hendrix says. “I know he cares about you; I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I don’t believe he would sleep with anyone else while we…”
While we…what? What are we doing? Conducting an affair with no strings and no guarantees. Meanwhile, I’m in love with him.
Did I ever really get over the Josiah who, down on his knees, set fire to caution and asked me to marry him? The Josiah who pushed aside his reserve to hop on a shopping cart and laugh with me, riding through the grocery store? The one who rubbed my feet when I was pregnant, held my hand through labor, matched his breaths to mine as I gave birth to our children?
No, I probably never got over that man, but I’ve fallen in love all over again with the Josiah who shepherds our children through hard times, always checking their hearts to make sure they’re okay. I’m in love with the man who, despite his misgivings, ventured into therapy for our son, but then learned to use it to heal himself. I’m enamored with the passion that burns even brighter between us than it did before. When we make love, the past and present collide in a scorching intimacy that consumes us. The man he was, the man he is, the way he’ll mature and evolve as the years go on—I’m in love with every version of Josiah I’ve ever known, and I’m certain the man he’ll become will also hold my heart.
“I’ll talk to him,” I finally say. “Just to be clear. We did lay out guidelines, but other people never occurred to me. I don’t think it occurred to him either, but you’re right. I should make sure we’re on the same page.”
From the couch, I reach down and grab one of Sol’s hands and one of Hen’s. “I’m sorry I kept it from you guys, but it was just ours, ya know? I’m glad I told you, though. You’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to sisters, and I don’t want to keep anything from you.”
“I think Edward’s having an affair,” Soledad blurts.
Hendrix and I exchange wide-eyed stares, and I slip off the couch, landing between the two of them on the floor.
“What makes you say that?” I ask.
Her laugh is the most caustic, biting thing I’ve ever heard from Soledad. “Him saying her name in his sleep every night?”
“What’s that heifer’s name?” Hendrix asks.