“I know it’s unrealistic to want to be in control of when it rears its ugly head, but why does it have to be now, when things have been so good?”
“If I had to guess, it’s because you’re taking steps to move on with me when you never wanted to move on from Patrick.”
“Why isn’t that happening to you, too? You never wanted to move on from Victoria.”
“I’ve had a little longer to process my loss than you have.”
I think about that and try to figure out how I feel about it. My emotions are all over the place since I had the first dream two nights ago. I tried so hard to keep the anguish to myself, but Derek wasn’t having that.
“It’s okay if we slow things down a bit, Roni. You know that, right?”
“I don’t want to slow things down. I’ve had a year to accept that Patrick isn’t ever coming back. In that time, you’ve become my best friend, my new love. Did I expect this to happen between us? Not at all. If you’d asked me a year ago if I’d be engaged, I would’ve said no way. But we both know how this happened, and why it happened, and how lucky we are to have it.”
“That doesn’t mean it all has to happen right now. We’ve got the rest of our lives to get where we’re going.”
It’s no wonder I love this man so much. Was it my intention to find someone new to love so soon after losing my husband? Absolutely not, but our relationship happened so organically and is based on a deep, abiding friendship that is a big part of the reason I survived this last year. If I’ve learned anything since I lost Patrick, it’s that life has a way of laughing in your face when you think you’ve got all your plans in place.
“I want you to know how much I appreciate you.”
“I know you do, Roni, and I appreciate you. We’re in this together for the long haul. Please don’t put any pressure on yourself thinking you have to meet my expectations. The only expectation I have where you’re concerned is that we love each other and each other’s children. The rest will sort itself out.”
“I hate feeling this way.”
“It’s all part of the process. The good, the bad, the ugly. We’ve got to deal with all of it. But there’s good news, too.”
“What’s that?” I ask, wiping my face again.
“We’ve discovered that there still can be joy and love and great happiness along with the despair.”
“The despair seems to be winning the war lately.”
“It’s winning the battle, not the war. Joy will win the war. It’s just going to take a while, but you’ll get there. I promise.”
“How do you always know what to say to make me feel better?”
“Because I still believe things will get better, even when everything goes to shit.”
“Sometimes I wonder if I could’ve survived losing Patrick if you hadn’t come along when you did to provide me with a roadmap through widowhood.”
“You would’ve survived.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“I am. You’re tougher than you think, Roni.”
“I never would’ve described myself as tough before Patrick was killed, although my dad always says I was the toughest kid he ever met.”
“I believe it. You never had to be tough like this, but it was always in there, waiting to prop you up when you needed it.”
“Still… Thank you for being here and showing me the way through this.”
“Being here with you is my pleasure, sweetheart.”
IRIS
I wakeup wondering why the kids haven’t woken me before I remember they’re at my mom’s, and I spent the night having sex with Gage. The memories start my day with a smile that fades when I recall the text exchange with Eleanor. The other woman in my husband’s life. And then another thought occurs to me.
“Jesus.”