“There’s no sense going to the worst-case scenario until you know for sure that it’s something bad.”
“What would you do if you found a lump?”
“Freak the fuck out like you are for the same reasons. We’re single moms. We have no time for illness. But I still think you need to try to stay calm until you know more. Making yourself sick over it isn’t going to change the outcome.”
“You’re right. It’s so hard not to go to worst-case when I’ve been living it for almost three years.”
“Believe me, I understand. It’s easy for me to say calm down, but I’d be just as worked up. Do you want me to come over?”
“No, thank you. I’m okay. I’ll know more tomorrow.”
“Keep me posted?’
“Yes, I will. Thanks for listening to me go on and on.”
“That’s what I’m here for. And try not to worry about Gage. He’ll be there if you need him. You know he will.”
I know no such thing, but I keep that thought to myself. “Thanks, Christy. Love you.”
“Love you, too. Call me tomorrow.”
“I will.”
26
IRIS
After I end the call, I strip off my clothes and head for the shower. Standing under the warm water, I check my breast to see if the lump is still there. It is. I’m terrified of what it might turn out to be. I’m so anxious, I barely sleep and am up before my alarm. The kids are still asleep when I go downstairs to make enough coffee for me and my mom.
She comes in through the door to the garage shortly after eight and hugs me. “I’m so glad you guys are home. We missed you.”
“We missed you, too.” I make her a cup of coffee and add half a teaspoon of sugar to it.
“Thanks, love. So how was it? The pictures were great.”
“We had a wonderful time. Gage’s in-laws are lovely people. They were so happy to have us visit.”
“Was it awkward at all?”
“Not really. They’re super supportive of him and glad to see him doing well and moving on.”
“Still… I can’t imagine how hard that must be for them.”
“Everything’s hard after a loss like theirs, but they’re making the most of it. They were very welcoming and so sweet to the kids. She had bags of gifts for each of them. She said it was so fun to shop for kids again.”
“That is sweet. One grandma to another, I feel so sorry for her losses.”
I glance at the clock. “I need to go get dressed for my appointment. The kids are sleeping in. They were extra tired after the trip.”
“Go ahead. I’m going to watch theTodayshow.”
After I get dressed, Laney comes in looking for me. I scoop her up and take her downstairs and deliver her to my mom, who’ll oversee breakfast for them. “I shouldn’t be too long, Mom.”
“Take your time,” she says, snuggling with Laney. “We’re fine.”
I drive the short distance to my doctor’s office, trying not to think about any of the worries that kept me awake most of the night. I thought maybe I might hear from Gage this morning, but so far, nothing, which makes me sad and angry. How can he do this to me? To himself? Things were so good, and now he’s just gone? All because of a lump that may or may not be anything to worry about?
I just can’t wrap my head around this development.