“And here we are talking about moving in together two months after we started this part of the program.” She uses her hand to gesture to the bed.
“But we’ve been friends for a lot longer, and that time counts. Besides, if this widow journey has taught us anything, it’s that we have to grab on to happiness where we can and not worry about what anyone else thinks.”
“I don’t care what anyone thinks, except my kids, and I already know how they feel about you.”
“Let’s see how the trip goes. We can talk to them after that if you think the timing is appropriate.”
“That works for me. I still need to figure out what to do about Eleanor and Carter.”
“I thought that was resolved.”
“The financial part is, but she’s asked if I’m interested in getting the kids together in the next few months.”
“Ah, you didn’t tell me that. How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know. At first, I thought I should wait until they’re older, but when I talked to my mom about it, she said it might be easier to introduce him now when they’re too young to understand the finer details of how they happen to have another brother. If we wait until they’re older, it might be more traumatic for them.”
“I think your mom has a good point.”
“The craziest part for me is that I still feel this need to protect their memories of Mike. I don’t want them to hate him for this.”
“Which is way more than he deserves from you.”
“I’m trying to keep the two things separate. Their relationship with him can and should be separate from mine with him.”
“That’s awfully magnanimous of you, Iris.”
“Losing their father when they were so young is going to affect the rest of their lives. If they hate him, that’ll make it worse. I don’t want them to hate him. When they’re old enough to understand, I’ll tell them that Daddy made a mistake that hurt me very deeply, but it shouldn’t change how they feel about him or how they feel about Carter.”
“It’s all so bloody complicated, but I agree that it’s better to introduce Carter to them when they’re all too young to understand the deeper meaning. By the time they’re older, he’ll just be Carter, their half brother. No biggie.”
“You’re right. Mom’s right. It’s just the thought of seeing her and the child she had with my husband that’s so overwhelming.”
“I’ll go with you. Whenever it happens, we’ll face it together.”
“You’d do that?”
“I’d never want you to do that without all the support I could give you.”
“Thank you for that. The kids have another school break in February. Maybe we can do something then.” She sighs deeply. “Add this to the list of things I never thought I’d have to do.”
“It’s outrageous that you have to deal with this. I’ll never stop saying that.”
“More than anything, I hate how it’s changed how I feel about Mike. I loved him so much. I loved him unconditionally, and now I feel like it was all a big illusion. I find myself picking over so many things that didn’t make sense at the time, wondering if I was missing what was right in front of me.”
“You were busy having babies and taking care of your family.”
“Was I too busy taking care of the kids that I didn’t give him what he needed?”
“I hate to hear you ask that kind of question. You give so much to everyone in your life. There’s no way you weren’t giving him enough, even with three babies to care for.”
“That’s nice of you to say, but things did change between us after we had Tyler. We were both exhausted. We’d go weeks without having sex. We never had time to ourselves, even with my parents close by and helping where they could. We stopped dating.”
“Nat and I didn’t have sex for almost a year after the twins were born. We were so overwhelmed taking care of two infants while trying to work, too, we could barely function. I never once thought about going looking for it somewhere else.”
“I bet Eleanor wasn’t the only one.”
“Why do you say that?”