I don’t hesitate.
“Your home is so nice,” I say with a smile as I take it in. It’s small but well-kept and modern. “It’s a total bachelor pad.”
“I’m a bachelor,” he replies and crosses his arms over his chest. He’s wearing his firefighter T-shirt and jeans and looks so handsome in it. So grown up.
Because heisgrown up.
“Did I catch you right before work?”
“No, I got home about half an hour ago,” he says. “I’ve been working nights. Listen, Sarah, I’m kind of tired.”
“I miss you.” I blurt the words out, stopping him. “I’ve always missed you, Scott, and I’m so, so sorry for everything.”
He doesn’t smile. Doesn’t soften.
“I told you before that I didn’t want to see you.”
“I know.” It comes out as another whisper, and I hate feeling this unsure, thisuncomfortable. “I know you did. I just wanted five minutes to explain what happened.”
“You got married and left me here alone, a kid, to deal with getting Dad’s backhand on the regular. That’s what you did.”
I flinch as if he hit me because the words feel like a slap. “I know. Scott, that wasnevermy intention. I had every intention of either taking you with me or sending money home for you. I thought that I’d be able to take care of you, but we weren’t in California for even a month, and Anthony laid down the law. He said thathewas my only family, and I wasn’t allowed to even think about the life I left behind in Oregon. I begged him, but it was no use. It doesn’t change anything, but I want you to know that it wasn’t my freaking choice to abandon you.”
“June and Luna took care of me,” he says shortly, his voice laced with ice. “By the time I was in high school, Mom and Dad moved to Tulsa, and good riddance to them, and I got by. I did fine without you, and I still am. So, if you’re here because you feel obligated, you don’t need to be.”
“I know, and I’m so freaking proud of you.”
“No.” He shakes his head and looks like he wants to punch the wall. “Youdon’t get to be proud of me because you didn’t do a fucking thing to contribute to what I’ve accomplished. Based on where I came from, I should be in jail or dead at this point, and I’m not. I’m a decent person, who does good things for this community.”
“I know you are. You were always a good person.”
“Turns out, I was the only one in the family.”
That stings, and I can’t hold back the wince.
His hard face doesn’t soften.
“You’re right.” I nod once. “You’re right, Scott. I should have tried harder, gone behind Anthony’s back, done whatever I had to do to make sure that you were safe. I failed you in that. I can’t change it, and I can be sorry for it down to the marrow of my bones, but it doesn’t make it any different; it still happened.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Sarah.”
“I don’t want anything from you, nothing tangible, anyway. I’d like to get to know you again, and I’d like to be your friend.”
“I have a lot of friends already, but if anyone dies, and a slot opens up, I’ll be sure to let you know.”
I can only blink at him, shocked. Did he really just say that? Scott doesn’t look me in the eye, and anger just pulses off of him. I want to hug him, but I absolutely know that any touch from me would not be welcome.
I have to go. I feel the tears threatening, and I have to get the hell out of here so he doesn’t see it.
So, I fake a smile and turn for the door. “Have a good day, Scott.”
I shut the door quietly behind me and hurry down to the sidewalk and turn toward town. The further away from Scott’s house I get, the faster I walk. This was a horrible idea.
I don’t know why I thought that I could simply apologize and everything would be okay. Just because he was worried after the fire doesn’t mean that he forgives me. It doesn’t mean that he wants us to have any kind of relationship.
I’m not going to reach out to him again. Not because I don’t want to, but because I just can’t keep hitting this emotional wall, over and over again. It’s painful.
I hope that one day, Scott will reach out and want to have me in his life. But he’s an adult, and that’s his decision.