“I was an ass. Pissed off and wallowing in my own bullshit. You were hurting, too, and I just kept up my shit because I needed to protect myself. Ben was head up his ass about you then and didn’t even try to hide it. He’s the only guy who had the balls to tell me about myself. He was leaving to attend school overseas because he was in love with you. He couldn’t stand to see what I was doing to you. The girl he knew growing up was a shell of herself. He told me what a fuck up I was. I had felt that all my life growing up with Landon as a father—not good enough. I knew I would never be any better.
“I asked you if you wanted to try to have another baby. Just grasping at whatever I could to make you stay with me, and I realized the only way I could lose you was by hurting you. I knew I was going to lose you then.” He shakes his head, and a look of disgust crosses his features. “I fucked you in the pond under the dock with your family on the shore. The kid who respected your father enough, who tried his damnedest to keep his hands off you under his roof, fucked you while they were all ten yards away. It was then I began treating you like a possession. I held too tight, knowing I was gonna blow it, and a guy like Ben was going to get you, the girl I loved. But then, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I knew when I fucked up, you’d be back. I needed that. It disgusts me now. As much as I didn’t want to hurt you, I couldn’t stop because I knew I didn’t deserve you. I wasn’t good enough or deserving enough of your love.”
“You were, Lucas—”
“Here’s the deal, Tessa, I wasn’t because I didn’t love myself then. I didn’t know who I was capable of being then. As many times as I walked away, wanting to save you from me, I dragged you back, and you came because you knew who I could become. You knew who was deep inside, hidden under the front I carried—the boy abandoned by his daddy, the boy who wasn’t enough for his mom to want to try to stay sober for, the guy that girls fucked for a good time. You chipped away at him. You cracked the shell enough for him to pull himself out of that hell, but he couldn’t until he knew himself and who he could be.
“It took losing you for good, to a man like Collin, to realize that the life I dreamed of, the one you wanted with me, was attainable. But it was too late, and I went fucking crazy. I was done with ball, I lost you, I hit rock bottom, and neither you or Tommy were there to pick me up, and I didn’t know how. It took losing you to get there.
“When Ash stopped over at Dad’s one night to drop off the mail because they were away, I was sitting behind a pile of coke big enough to end the pain completely. She and I got stupid fucked up and had sex for three days straight without sleep. She told me about her failed relationship, and I did the same. After that day, we were inseparable. Then you told me you thought she was the one. You told her, too, and that did it. We didn’t do drugs, we went on real dates, I treated her like gold, and it felt so good to give love like you had given me. We got married soon after that.”
He sighs. “I should have treated you like that. I should have treasured you like I did her. But if you and I had never gone through all that shit, I wouldn’t have changed. If you hadn’t married Collin, I would have probably treated you the same damn way forever. We wouldn’t have had five kids between us and, hell, I would have probably ended up dead. You marrying Collin wasn’t just your fate, Tessa; it changed my life.”
I look up at him and wipe my tears away. “You wanted to die?”
He huffs silently then lifts a shoulder. “I didn’t want to live. Kind of the same thing.”
“I want to say you should have told me, but—”
“Nothing would have changed. God”—he smiles and glances up at me—“He knew Collin was yours.”
I nod.
He smiles and wipes his thumb across my face, removing more tears. “White roses. New beginnings, clean slates, the only girl who was pure from the first time we met. The only girl who I willevertrust with my heart. The girl who I know will trust me with hers, too.”
I smile and swish my wine around on my glass.
“I want a do-over in the water. I want to make slow, sweet, it-doesn’t-even-matter-if-I-come kind of love tonight. This date is just you and me, connected in a way that should start our new beginning.”
“Here?”
“Virginia Beach is for lovers, Tessa.”
I laugh.
He deadpans. “No, really, I saw a sign when I drove in.” Now smiling, he leans in and gives me a soft kiss as he holds the back of my head, angling it so he can kiss me deeper. When I melt into him, he slowly pulls away.
“One more thing. I told you years ago the kind of guy you deserved, and you got him. You’re so amazing you deserve another, so if memory serves me well, I said that you needed someone who likes music and can move. They have to be intelligent. Someone who is funny—your laugh, Tessa, should never be stopped. It’s infectious. It has to be someone who shares your values and loves family. Someone to let you explore who you are, and when you’re ready and sober, explore them. They have to love to talk, or at least love you enough to listen. They need to enjoy every part of you, from your perfect face, flawless skin, tight body, eyes they could sink into forever, and perfectly wavy hair that just begs their hands to touch it, to your wit, voice, and your little tantrums. If they don’t crave you every second of every day, they don’t deserve you. If they succeed and don’t search for you to share that with them, they don’t deserve you. If they don’t need you by their side during every part of life, they don’t deserve you. If when they fuck up, they don’t love you enough to let you go, they don’t deserve you.”
Tears fill my eyes as he continues.
“I will never fuck up again. At this moment in time, I am perfect for you and you for me. I love you, baby, and someday, you’ll trust me enough to say the same. But if you can’t say it, then show me, Tessa. Show me that you think I’m still worthy of the greatest love I have ever known.”
“You remembered those words?”
“I’ve written them down for Ava.”
I stand up, pull my shirt over my head, and then reach down and do the same to his.
We slowly take our time taking each other’s clothes off and kissing softly as we continue. He takes my hand in one of his, grabs two towels with the other, and we walk to the water. He sits down and guides me in front of him, and then he slowly brings me down onto him.
He guides my hips slowly. When I try to move faster, he slows me. “I just want to be inside you as long as I can, baby.”
He caresses my breasts and licks my nipples, teasing me unintentionally. Each whimper or moan I make causes him to continue his pleasure-inducing touches. We kiss each other with deep need and desire while looking into each other’s hooded, glassy, not quite satisfied eyes until neither of us can take it.
“Baby, I need to come, but I don’t have anything on.”
“I want you to come inside of me.”