“I’ve had an amazing summer with my kids. That’s living, Ava. The best kind of living.”
?
Ava and I spent time with Logan at South Campus before I took her to the airport. She’s going back to school for half a semester. She promised she would find something here when she could, and I made her promise to enjoy this part of her life and stop worrying about her old man.
On my way home from the airport, I stop and grab Johnny, Jack, and Jim, intent on getting through this with my old friends.
When I get into the house, I set the bag down. I pull out Johnny Walker and set him on the island. Next, I pull out Jim Beam. And last but not least is my old friend, Jack Daniels. This is now a bachelor pad, and I am going to have a fucking party.
I pour a shot of each and drink them down. Then I pour another and another. Parched, I hit the sink to grab some water, because hangovers hurt worse at my age, and I look out the window to see a vehicle pulling in next door at Jade and Ryan’s. Thinking I’m seeing things, I lean in and squint. Then I fucking laugh.
I step into my slides, walk out the door, and yell, “Welcome home, baby!”
She stops, looks at me, and crosses her arms in front of her.
I head over as I watch her straighten up and square her shoulders, thinking she’s a transformer and is now in badass mode.
“How’s Zach?” is the first thing I ask.
“He’s good,” she replies quickly. “How were the girls in Mexico?”
“Not sure, Tessa, because I didn’t fuck them! Because I trusted you would come to your senses. Because I thought, if you couldn’t handle me, you wouldn’t be handling anyone else!”
“Well, Lucas, when we last talked, we were friends.”
“When I called you at three o’clock in the morning and he answered your fucking phone, I figured you weren’t banging the band boy, Tessa.”
“You’re such an ass.”
“Are we pregnant? Did you get your period?”
“Oh, wow, you have certainly had enough to drink, Lucas, haven’t you?”
“Not even close to enough.”
“Lucas, you need to—”
“Don’t you worry your gorgeous little self over it, Tessa.”
“I’ve been healing!” she yells. “There is nothing that ever prepares you for the devastation you feel when you lose someone. When that someone is part of you, when they are your morning, day, and night, it is senseless to even try! When each intake of breath burns because it’s not shared with them, you just don’t want to breathe anymore. When you look in the mirror, and you don’t see them standing beside you every day, smiling at you because they felt exactly the same way about you as you do them, you no longer want to look in the mirror. Nothing tastes good. Every smile is forged for someone else. Every laugh hurts when you don’t hear theirs echo yours. It’s crippling!
“Collin was more than my friend, my lover, my husband; he was truly a part of me. Zach helped me realize that, Lucas. He helped me realize! And with his help, I could grieve for the first time in seven months since he left. I know now he wasn’t taken, he didn’t leave; he gave his life to save our Harper.”
I don’t respond. I fucking can’t.
“But that doesn’t matter to you, does it!”
“You should have talked to me. You didn’t have to—”
“Talk to you? The man who broke me over and over again? The man who I feel guilty about because, in a moment of weakness, I wanted you. You hurt me!”
“Twenty fucking years ago, Tessa. And let me tell you something, sweetheart, youruinedme! Made me believe that there was someone out there for me! Well, guess what,baby, there wasn’t. You were the only one for me, and I fucked that up! I get it, okay! I can own my shit, Tessa, but it’s time you own yours. You’ve loved me as long as I have loved you! It was in your cards to have two loves in your life. Consider yourself lucky you’re not stuck in hell, loving someone who won’t allow herself to give it back. As a kid, I fucked up, Tessa. I was so young!”
She starts walking away.
“Don’t you walk away from me, dammit! I stand before you as a man. Everything you saw in me then has finally become a reality. Take it or not. I have been chasing you all my life, but I’m done chasing. It’s all up to you now! Do whatever you need to do! I fucking quit!” Now I start to walk away.
“You don’t get to quit! You don’t get to, Lucas!”