“I wish Tommy did this, you know.” Her voice is so soft, so unlike Jade. “I know it’s hard to read. It’s still hard to read the letters and poems Tommy wrote me, but Tessa, I would have done anything for him to have given this to me. I wish he knew about Luke, so that he may have written him a letter to him on his wedding day, like Collin did for Harper. I wish he would have told me to live and love again, like Collin does you.”
I reach out and hold her hand. “He would have had he known.”
“I know it’s not the same. We were young and kids, for crying out loud, and it wasn’t easy for me to move forward.”
“But you love Ryan.”
“Of course I do. I grew up with him. I didn’t know he loved me that way. But I did feel a little like I was betraying Tommy. Remember when I was in the hospital, giving birth to Luke? How rotten I was to Ryan?”
“You wanted Tommy to be there. I’m sure Ryan understood.”
“I saw his eyes, Tessa. I knew I hurt him. I knew how I made him feel. I still think about it.”
“Are you trying to say it’s the same thing?” I lean in and whisper, “That I’m doing it to Lucas?”
“No, of course not.” She stops, giving me a moment to think. “It just would have been so much easier had he told me he wanted me to be happy. That he wanted me to move forward and love again.”
“Of course he would want that for you, Jade. Why wouldn’t he? He loved you.”
Jade nods. “It’s been over six months, Tessa. Collin has been gonesix. He wants that for you, too. For God’s sake, girl, it’s in every one of these letters. Speaking of, open the damn thing. I could use a little romance in my life.”
“From the grave?” I try to joke, but she sees right through it. “Do I have to read it out loud?”
“You have to try. You also have to try to listen to the man who loved you enough to leave these letters.”
I lift the paper up to my lips and kiss it. I do that with all of them. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel closer to him.
Hello beautiful,
I know, if you’re reading this, it means it’s time to say goodbye. I ask that you spread my ashes in a place that brought you peace and a place that brought me an angel.
It is here, in this town, I first met you. It is here, in this town, I was given kindness for the first time by a stranger, a little girl with a blue ribbon in her hair. It is here that I held you, and it is here that I saw you, truly saw you, and then allowed myself to see all the beautiful things in the world.
You opened my heart up so wide that it dropped me to my knees, and I would have crawled behind you for my entire life if you had just asked me to. Instead, you lifted me up. You trusted me, even knowing everything in my past. You walked beside me, taught me, and allowed me to feel. I could never have imagined that.
Love is not all that you gave me. You gave me life. Tessa, I love you so much that I am giving that to you. I hope you understand the meaning behind this. If not, I want to explain.
I want you to live again. I want you to live a life that allows all that love brings to it. I want you to smile. I want you to trust. I want you to look forward and not in the past. I want you to know love again.
I was given one love. I am eternally gratefully for that. You, my beautiful girl, are still here. Do not grow old, Tessa, just continue to grow.
Let my ashes float away in your place of peace and the place I found true love. Nothing can take that away from either of us, not ever. Smile, knowing that we had a wonderful life. And then smile again, knowing that I love you enough to want you to love and be loved again.
I will be smiling down on you for eternity. Please, beautiful, truly smile up for me.
Love forever,
Collin
I wipe the tears away as Jade takes the letter from my hand. She places it in the folder then sets it on the nightstand. She climbs up toward the headboard, lies down, and pats her shoulder. I lie down, and she hugs me as I cry.
“You will be okay.”
“I watched him die, Jade. I begged him not to die. I remember him saying, ‘Can’t have you yet.’ He didn’t want to go, Jade. He didn’t want to go.” I can’t stop crying, and the louder I get, the tighter she hugs me. “He must be so disappointed in me. I am so disappointed in me.”
“You have no reason to be, Tessa. He has told you he wants you to love again—”
“He didn’t tell me to fuck Lucas,” I whisper-hiss.