“You don’t look like a girl who’s excited to see her friends reunited,” Mama says, squeezing lemon into her tea.
I sip my coffee, heavily doctored with cream flavored like my favorite Girl Scout cookies. Today I’m going to need all the sugar to feed my feelings.
“I will be excited,” I counter. “Once they arrive. I’ve just gotten so used to being the villain that I’m still shocked they’ve decided to come to see me.”
Mama clucks her tongue. “Villain. Please tell me you’re not still beating yourself up for the way you broke up with the son of that handsome basketball player.”
I smirk at how my mother refers to everyone according to what she knows about their parents. Herc and Cass are the kids of that basketball player. If Mama’s well into her cups, then they’re the “progeny of the ex-convict former NBA forward-slash-entrepreneur,” when it would be easier just to say his name.
Dex Treadway. Everyone knows that name.
“He’s out, you know,” Mama points out, sipping her tea. “Has been for a while now. Prison hasn’t changed his looks one bit. Or so I’ve heard. I…I think I saw him on the news.”
She rubs her neck and blinks while I hide my frown behind my coffee mug. “I know he’s out.”
And I also know what Mama’s poking at. The official reason behind the breakup has now resolved itself, and perhaps there’s a chance to rekindle our relationship. In her mind, all Herc and I have to do is reach out, and everything will be grand again.
Dex is out of prison, so all our relationship drama is behind us, right?
Mama wants her once-happy daughter back. I empathize; she doesn’t know what to do with the sullen shadow that is me who skulks around the house.
Thank god Mama’s not one of those parents who rants about what I plan to do with my life now that I have my art history degree. Fuck if I know. I can barely get out of bed in the morning.
If Mama only knew the real reason Herc and I broke up, she’d likely prefer me to be single and miserable. I’m pretty sure this lady has only ever had very respectful, tidy, and efficient missionary sex.
“I hope it’s not too awkward. Will Herc be there?” Mama queries, blinking again, watching me as she sips her tea.
Oh boy. I’d much rather talk about who on the lake is cheating on whom and who had their building permit blocked by the historical society.
This breakfast with Mama is a foretaste of what’s coming today. Lots of people, lots of laughter, with one person missing. One tall, sickeningly hot former college defensive tackle. Herc won’t be with us, and people will have questions.
I have my answer prepared, and I try it out on Mama.
“Yes, Dex is out of prison. I’m so happy for his family. I hope Herc and his dad have spent some time reconnecting. It’s been a rough five years.”
Mama arcs an eyebrow. She doesn’t have to say anything. I know she’s not buying it. Shoot. Better work on putting some real emotion behind it.
And then she slays me with, “I would counter that the last year has been excruciating for the both of you.”
That comment is a jab to the stomach because it’s true.
When Herc and I were together, we were incessantly joined at the hip. And, ahem, other body parts. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We explored new territories for the both of us. He’d discovered things about himself that excited him at first, then scared him. We were young and inexperienced, and I partially blame myself for not researching more. More careful.
I thought we could handle our kinks. We went all in, deeper and deeper. I thought our love and trust were enough to keep us together.
Once we went down that path, we became each other’s addiction.
It was so easy to do. During summer and college breaks, we had the lake house to ourselves. Or, if Mom was entertaining someone at the lake, we’d go to my childhood home in Raleigh. Two sprawling places for us to play in. The time alone was too much fun, and maybe too much freedom for us.
My insides tighten at the memories. My cup trembles when I remember our role-play, and how good Herc was at it. He was raw, set free by the unlocking of powerful emotions that he’d had bottled up. And afterward, he was tender and vulnerable when we tended to each other. He was wonderful.
He isstill wonderful.
Our breakup had nothing to do with the timing or Herc’s dad being in prison. I’m the reason we’re not together. I let it go too far, and spooked my boyfriend in the process.
Herc said he couldn’t be with me because he feared hurting me. He said I brought out something too dark in him.
I’d insisted that we could work through it. But he’d said, “A healthy relationship shouldn’t scare me. You scare me, Meghan.”