CHAPTER26
It was the most wonderful night of his life. He knew that.
That knowledge was what made his next words all the more difficult. Lydia was the first one to get up and start putting her clothes back on. He tried to look away, but the sight of her naked body was too glorious. He never wanted to take his eyes off of her. When she was finally done, tying the belt around her waist, he mourned the fact that he would probably never get to see her like that again. Not after what he had to tell her.
He got up and slid into his own robe then he walked over to her and took her by the hands. She was absolutely glowing. He hated himself for doing this, for having done this, but this desire to have her was stronger than him,. He knew that she would not forgive him. He wouldn’t forgive himself.
“Lydia…” he started, feeling something inside his throat making it increasingly more difficult to speak. “I know this will make me out to be a horrible man, but…”
The moment he said this, her facial expression changed. Her eyes were now the eyes of a doe, running away from the hunters, fearing for her life. He hated that he was the one who made her feel that way.
“I care about you more than I could ever express in mere words,” he said, trying to soften the blow, but it was all futile. What he had to say, after what he had done, could not be softened in any manner. “But… after what happened to Rachel, I have become a wreck, a mere shell of a man. You awakened something inside of me, something I didn’t know I still had, and I shall forever be grateful to you. I see what you need. I know what it is. I know who it is. But I… I cannot be that man for you…”
Immediately upon hearing those words, she pulled her hands away from his. He could see her lower lip quivering. Her eyes were wide and sparkling. She was fighting back the tears. He had seen that look many a time in his sister. He knew it well to be able to recognize it instantly.
“You deserve so much,” he continued. “You deserve the world. But I am too jaded to be able to give you that.”
“You decided all this without even asking me if I needed the world?” she suddenly asked him, tilting her head.
She had regained control of her emotions, of the situation. He admired her for that. She was a strong young woman, just the type he liked. In a different life, or at least under different circumstances, they could have become husband and wife. But not in this one. Here, everything was against them.
“You are the most wonderful woman I have ever met,” he admitted, and he knew it to be true. “I knew this from the moment I laid my eyes on you. I know that you need a man who can fully devote himself to you. You could not handle anything else. You wouldn’t be happy.”
“Do you truly know what would make me happy?” she asked again, defiant.
“I think I do,” he replied, confidently. “That is why I know that I cannot be what you need me to be.”
He expected her to say something, to ask something else. He expected anything but what she actually replied.
“Very well,” she said, her chin slightly pointing upward. “We shall forget all this ever happened. Just like everything else.”
He wanted to tell her that such a thing was impossible, that he would never be able to forget what happened here. He wanted to tell her that he still needed her help in finding Rachel, but now was not the time to ask for more favors. He was certain that she would let him know if there was any news with Anna and her mysterious secret admirer. Now, he needed to let her go.
“What about our courting?” she suddenly asked, stopping right before the door. She still had her back turned to him. Her silhouette burned in the darkness against the faint light of the candle she was holding.
He paused. He had no idea. “We can talk about it tomorrow, before we return to London.”
“Very well,” she echoed the same words from before. They didn’t mean anything. He couldn’t hear any emotion behind them as if she purposefully closed herself off from him, unwilling to give him even a glimpse into the current state of her mind.
He fought hard not to rush after her, grab her by the shoulders, turn her around to face him and kiss her breathless. That was what he wanted to do, to tell her what a fool he was for even considering letting her go. But that would have been the selfish thing to do.
He loved her. He loved her more than life itself. He wanted her all to himself. But with him, she would be like a bird in a cage. His love would not be what she needed to blossom. And he wanted her to blossom, even if that meant by another man’s side. Because he loved her so much, he was willing to let her go.
“Good night,” she finally said, unlocking the door and letting herself out.
He stood there in silence for a long time. It seemed like an entire eternity. He couldn’t move. He could barely breathe properly. Everything inside of him was numb. His mind was a blank. There was nothing. Just a big, endless nothingness.
When he was finally able to move, he returned to his chamber. Nothing was the same. The colors around him seemed to have faded. The sounds were dead. He felt as if he wasn’t even alive but was merely moving and breathing, driven by some inner mechanics not even he was able to understand. But he didn’t feel alive. He didn’t feel quite dead either. He was somewhere in between. Without her, he was lost. He could see that now.
But he could not get her back. She didn’t deserve such a life. She deserved so much better than him.
* * *
Lydia avoided Edwin as much as she could. Fortunately, it was their last day there, so everyone was busy preparing themselves for their return to London. Anna and Selina were also excited to get back, and Lydia allowed their enthusiasm to infect her as well.
Still, Edwin’s words never left her mind. She merely managed to forget them for several blissful moments then they would return with a vengeance. But she managed to remain smiling, polite, and cheerful. It demanded all of her conscious effort from her, but she managed it.
That night, when she was once again in her own bed, she cried herself to sleep. The pain of the Duke’s words finally set in, and she could allow all the hurt to come to the surface. She wished there was someone she could talk to, someone to whom she could unburden her heart and soul, but her sisters were lost in their own problems, and she didn’t wish to trouble them. As always, she decided to handle this on her own.