“I tend to be so impatient sometimes,” she said, walking and keeping her eyes fixated ahead of her. “I cannot possibly imagine how impatient you must be.”
“I am,” he nodded. “But I’ve learned to keep my emotions under control. The past two years taught me a lot about myself.”
“It is so sad, isn’t it?” she asked. It almost sounded as if she was talking to herself, and he was merely privy to her private conversation.
“What is?” he sounded curious this time. He had never heard her be so pensive.
“The fact that we learn most about ourselves when something dreadful happens,” she explained.
He had to admit that was true. “Itissad,” he agreed. “We don’t even realize what sheltered lives we’ve led until something happens, something that changes our lives from the very core, demanding us to change as well.”
“You changed when Rachel disappeared,” she pointed out.
“I did,” he agreed, his voice trailing off. Then, he picked it up again. “I was a carefree soul. I always loved my sister, but it was a carefree love. Never, in my entire life, did I ever think that she would be taken away from me, that I would not be able to find her in her chamber or in the library, nestled in the armchair with her favorite book. Those things were difficult for me to accept. Both my mother and I are like that. We keep our emotions to ourselves. We only manage to express them once it might be too late.”
She turned to him and granted him a lovely smile. A sad smile. He wanted to caress her cheek, to keep that smile frozen in his memory forever. But he kept his hands to himself.
“I learned that same thing when my mother died,” she revealed as they turned into a small pathway, away from the bigger crowd, without even realizing it.
The sound of her voice was all he wanted to listen to. Her face was all he wanted to see. He tried to fight this feeling, but it was difficult. He was already too focused on controlling his emotions when it came to Rachel’s disappearance. It was difficult to control himself with Lydia as well, but that was what he needed to do.
“I still feel like I didn’t tell her I loved her enough times,” she admitted with a soft voice that was on the verge of breaking.
He realized that they had much more in common than he initially thought. They both suffered a great loss. He lost his father. She lost her mother. In addition to this, he lost his sister as well, feeling like a big failure for not seeing the signs that were right in front of his nose. She seemed to understand him better than he even understood himself. Her voice soothed him in a way no one else could. And now, she understood his regret. He wondered if there was anyone else in the entire world who comprehended his heart the way she could. He doubted there was.
“I’m certain she knew,” he assured her.
“I know,” she nodded. “But… it is one thing to know. It is a completely different thing to tell it to someone, so that they can be absolutely certain.”
“You’re right,” he agreed. “I also feel that I could have been gentler with Rachel sometimes. I could have been there more although I feel like we did spend a lot of time together. But this… this makes me question what sort of a big brother I truly was. Not a very good one, it seems.”
“I would love to have a big brother like you,” she told him, instantly blushing. She dared not look in his direction although he wanted her to. They merely continued walking as he seared her cheek with his gaze.
He didn’t say that being a big brother to her was the last thing he ever wanted. A friend. A confidant. A partner. A lover. He wanted to be her all. But not her brother. Not the one who would be by her side while she chose another man to love. He doubted he could bear that. Yet, he could not admit to her how he felt.
He could not admit to her because he was fighting it himself. He could not focus on another woman while Rachel was still out there, waiting to be found. She was waiting for him. Focusing on another woman would take away that focus from his efforts at finding Rachel. That could diminish his chances of finding her, of bringing her safely back home. He could not do that. Not after all that he had done so far.
Lydia was here to help him find her. She had already proven to be an immense aid. If they somehow became involved, if they started courting, he believed that this would detract from their efforts at solving this mystery. He hoped that she could understand that, that she agreed with that. He needed to remain concentrated on the single goal that he had in life. Only after that could he entertain the thought of courting someone, getting married to someone. Not before.
“And I would love to have a sister like you,” he said, each word hurting like a dagger into his very heart. It was all a lie. A big, despicable lie, but that was the only thing he could say in response. Then, to soften it some more, he added. “Rachel would also love a sister like you; I am more than certain of that.”
This time, Lydia turned to him. Her lips widened into a smile. “When we find her, the two of us shall have tea together and gossip about you behind your back.”
He chuckled at her words. He loved how she always managed to make him smile, how she found something to amuse him with even in what seemed to be a dark moment. She would truly be a wonderful big sister. She was already behaving like one towards Rachel. The thought warmed his heart. He wasn’t alone in his pursuit any longer, and it made everything easier. It made the burden a little lighter.
“I think I could live with that,” he said, still chuckling. “Rachel could tell you some pretty horrible things when I was a boy, just so you know.”
“Oh, I cannot possibly imagine you being a dreadful little boy!” she laughed.
“You’d better believe it,” he assured her. The conversation was light and humorous, and they were both enjoying themselves immensely. “The governesses would leave their employment because of me.”
“No!” Lydia pretended to gasp, pressing her hand to her chest, then burst into a boisterous chuckle.
“I would come inside bringing frogs,” he admitted.
“Frogs!?” she gasped earnestly this time. “Those horrid little creatures?”
“They are not horrid,” he laughed. “They are merely… not pretty to look at.”