“I don’t know anymore, Olivia.”
I nodded, even though I knew he couldn’t see me do it. “I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”
Greyson barely acknowledged my words, so I stood there a while, hoping he would change his mind. After five minutes longer of him speaking without words, I knew it was my cue to leave.
If he needed space, I was going to give it to him. If he needed time, I would provide that, too. How long would it take him to come back to me, though?
CHAPTER29
Grey
“Need some company?”Edith gestured at the seat next to me, but I remained silent. I didn’t want anyone’s company. The only one I could tolerate was Jet and that was about it.
“Nah, I’m good.” I shook my head before standing up, ready to leave the beach party.
“I’m always here for you, baby. Don’t forget that,” she called out after me.
Her eagerness didn’t help with my sour mood. If things had turned out differently, I would still be happy right now.
It was Valentine’s Day today. It had been a week since I had spoken to Olivia, not from her lack of trying. Her messages were left unanswered, her smiles were not acknowledged, her attempts at making small conversations were brushed off.
Maybe I was overreacting, maybe I wasn’t. All I knew was that she didn’t love me. That alone was enough to fuck me over.
Jet kept telling me to swallow my pride and keep on loving her, but I fucking couldn’t. She was leaving in four months. Where would that leave me then?
The thing that really got to me was how willing I had been to change myself. Fuck, I had even gone as far as submitting college applications. I had never had any plans to go spend four years at some university, but none of that had mattered when I’d thought of Olivia. I had known she liked educated men. From what I had seen with Liam, the guy was primed to make something of himself in the future. If that was the kind of guy she liked, then I could try and be that, too.
Stupid me, thinking that I was good enough. I was never going to be enough. Not for her anyway.
At some point in time during these past months, I had really believed that something meaningful was being shared between the two of us. Each time I had kissed her, each time I’d touched her, I had felt her come alive. How was it possible that she didn’t feel that connection?
“’Ey, yo, Grey! Got some new snow,” Scrap, the hometown dealer, greeted me. It seemed that he was bringing the party to life.
“Nah—I’m cool, man.”
He looked me over, skeptical. “You sure, bro?”
Was I sure? Fuck, I wasn’t sure about anything anymore. “Okay, give me an eight ball.”
After our quick exchange, I made a quick exit. I really wasn’t feeling it. Something inside of me felt like it had been switched off. Nothing was making me happy. Certain things that had usually gotten a reaction from me, now merely received a shrug, and then I kept things to myself.
For seven days, I had felt like I was dragging myself into a dark abyss, but I knew, sooner or later, even when my mind was protesting, my heart would reach out to her.
I could only put up so many barriers for so long; the day would come where she would bring it all down.Just like that. It had happened before and it would happen again.
Going home wasn’t really what I’d had in mind. In fact, I was thinking of going to the plateau, but I somehow ended up parked right outside my house.
Four bottles of beer usually did nothing for me, but since I had drunk it on an empty stomach, I was feeling the buzz pretty well.
The second I entered the pool house, I strode towards the music system and switched it to a song that I liked before turning on the lamp. Bright lights I couldn’t deal with right now. I slung myself on the couch then, with my eyes closed, I listened to the beat of the music. None of it helped my troubled mind.
Pulling out the powder from my pocket, I stared at it a while, thinking about the last time I had used. It had been right after I’d spoken to my mother. Speaking of which, she had sent me a message today, demanding that she see me for dinner sometime that week. I hated her, but I always ended up seeing her anyway.
Call me a coward, however a tiny part in me yearned for her love and attention. It always won me over; though there was only a puny chance she would ever warm up to me.
Shifting into a sitting position, I opened the clear packet and poured the snowy, powdered form onto the crystal coffee table. I found a dollar bill in my pocket that I rolled into a makeshift straw. Bending over just enough for the bill to hover above it, I pressed on the side of my right nostril before my left sucked on the haphazard line I had made for myself.
It burned my nose and my throat then I felt it travel all the way to my lungs. The sensation was rapid, working immediately through my bloodstream. It didn’t take long until I felt it hit me, numbness and a sense of ease wrapped around me as I shut my eyes closed, loving the substance working through me.