“I can order something.”
“I don’t want to wait.”
“What are you looking for?”
“I want to make pancakes.”
“I don’t have any ––”
“That’s fine. I’ll make them from scratch.”
He raids the refrigerator and the pantry and pulls out eggs, milk, fruits, whipped cream, maple syrup, and flour.
“We eat outside,” he says and motions to the backyard.
“Here. This is for you.”
He hands me a cup of black coffee.
“Go.”
He nudges me to move away.
Minutes later, he brings out the plates, and we eat.
“This is good,” I say.
“Thank you.”
“How can I love you back?” I ask.
He locks my eyes, surprised.
“Is this because of the pancakes?” he asks, amused.
“No. The pancakes are only part of the reason. It’s not only about them,” I say, smiling. “Seriously, now. How do you want me to love you back? You never told me. I know how to satisfy your body, but how do I love your heart?”
“Loyalty,” he says and gulps water from the bottle. “We are not that different...” he adds.
“You said I'd know exactly why you left. When did you know you had to leave?”
His eyes darken.
“Looking back, I probably knew it when we played house in that chalet. You gave me a taste of a different life. A life I had missed so much. I knew it wasn’t perfect, but it was more than anyone had offered me. I was falling hard for you, and I think you knew that. You thought you had things figured out for us. You hoped I’d play along. It would’ve never worked for us.”
He glances at me.
“I had to become my own man without you holding my hand and without me doubting myself my entire life. I credit you for picking me up off the streets, teaching me, and giving me that initial opportunity, but after that, it had to be all on me. I started to feel for you way before I left. I wanted to move fast and do what I was supposed to. Besides, I bore the responsibility of Sara and Emma, and I couldn’t mess with their lives. They depended on me, and I depended on you, and that made my life a nightmare.”
He pauses, and I feel my blood spasming in my wrists.
“All that time we spent together, I tried to keep you at arm’s length and not promise you anything or encourage you, but things were getting out of control, so I had to leave. I couldn’t tell you then what I’m telling you now, and I couldn’t ask you to wait for me. I was willing to risk everything instead of making you feel sorry for me or think of me as less of a man. That’s why I left. It wasn’t a choice at all. I had to take care of my family first, find my own way, and then come back to you. I want you to understand that it was not a real choice for me. You weren’t the last person on some list. You were right there with my family in my heart, but I wanted to be with you the right way.”
He goes quiet before he continues.
“I didn’t think you were gonna hate me, though.”
“I didn’t hate you.”