I pause again, getting lost in his eyes.
He studies my expression, a thought flitting through his eyes before he pulls his gaze away.
“What about your first man?” he asks.
I sense a shred of tension in his voice.
“It was, um... I don’t think I was ever... sexually innocent,” I say in a shaky tone.
He glances at me.
“Was he your first man?”
My heart starts slamming against my chest wall.
Oh, how I feared this moment. I had the truth locked in a drawer of my memory for so many years, and now it’s coming back to life.
A shadow slides over his face.
“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he says, thrown off by my reaction.
I roll away from him.
He grabs my arm and pulls me back to him. I don’t fight him, but I look away to hide my eyes.
He clasps my chin and tips my face back to him.
“Look at me.”
I do, fighting my tears back and trying to suppress my panic–– although the panic never goes away.
It’s always there, burning through my body, feeding on my blood, and filling my head with dread.
“Whatever happened back then, it wasn’t your fault...” he says.
But that’s because he doesn’t know.
I slowly nod.
“Oh, yes, it was...” I quietly say.
His grip softens.
He pulls away slightly and looks at me, baffled.
I keep nodding.
“Yes. It fucking was. Everything was my fault. Something was not right with me from the beginning, and he unleashed that thing.”
His eyes widen with surprise.
“I should’ve known,” I mutter. “And I should’ve stayed away from him. I knew who he was... Perhaps because he always had an eye on me. And I always had an eye on him. Besides, I caught him fucking other women around the house... And not only once.”
I search his eyes, expecting a reaction. Not much reads on his face.
“Yes. I got what I deserved... I should’ve left him alone, but no, no. I went to him. More than once,” I mutter, letting out a sarcastic chuckle. “And guess what. I liked it,” I say, all the bitterness seeping into my voice.
Taking me by surprise, he tears away from me and rolls off the bed. He scoops up his clothes from the chair and pulls his jeans and T-shirt on.