From the moment she’d trotted around the corner to see Cole holding his phone up for Robert, she’d been running on fear, shame, and pain so fierce it felt like her chest was going to implode. She’d known she wasn’t ready to tell Robert about the tapes, but she hadn’t realized how scared she was for him to find out the truth until she knew he’d seen the evidence of her past mistakes.
And it only made it worse that she didn’t know which tape he’d seen.
He could have seen her on her knees with Shane’s hand fisted in her hair. He could have seen her tied to Shane’s bed, while her ex experimented with his collection of toys. Or worse. Even if Robert had only seen the most vanilla of the available options, she was still ashamed. Her gut told her that he would know better than to believe she was a part-time porn star, or had ever meant for the videos to end up on the Internet, but he must still be shocked.
Shocked and probably thinking that what they’d found together wasn’t so special, if she did the same kinky things with every man she slept with.
But she knew it wasn’t the same. Sex with Shane had always been one part performance. She’d never dropped her guard the way she had with Robert. Shane had taken control of her body, but he’d never made her feel safe enough to allow him to take possession of her heart. There had been a time when she’d thought she’d loved him, but she hadn’t trusted him enough for what they’d had to be real love.
Robert was the only man who had ever touched that place inside of her, that place where she’d locked away her dreams to keep them safe from people who enjoyed ripping the wings off of beautiful things before they learned how to fly. She’d tried so hard to protect herself from heartache, but now her dreams were loose, their wings beating frantically in her throat as her pulse leapt beneath her skin. They demanded that she go back and face her fear, crying out in innocent voices that Robert cared about her too much to be scared away by something she’d done long before they’d met.
But there were other voices crying out inside of her, too, and they told her that she was a waste and a slut. They assured her that she’d given up her chance at happily ever after when she’d gone to bed with more men than she had fingers on two hands. They sneered that she’d ripped up her voucher for true love when she’d let Shane set up that camera. They said that men were allowed to be kinky bastards and go on to marry some sweet girl who would redeem them of their sins, but that once a woman had done the things Marisol had done, she was damaged goods. Trash. A whore.
No man as decent and wonderful as Robert would want to share his life with her. If he’d known this morning what he knew now, he might still have wanted to fuck her, but he wouldn’t have talked about children, or dared infer that what they had might be the kind of thing that lasts forever. Forever was off the table, and only now did she realize how desperately she wanted it.
She wanted the fairy tale ending. She wanted to watch Robert climb on stage every night and be the first person to hug him when he walked back off again. She wanted to fight for his dreams and share his failures, to be the person he turned to when he had reason to celebrate or cause for despair. She wanted to share his bed and his life, his happiness and sadness, and one day she wanted those babies they’d talked about this morning.
She wanted a little boy with his sweet smile and a little girl with big dreams that she and Robert would do their best to make come true. She knew he would be the kind of father who made his children feel they could face the world with their dreams flying free beside them, not locked away in a prison of fear. And he would be the kind of husband who would make his wife feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
She had almost been the luckiest woman in the world.
The realization was enough to break what was left of her heart.
A sob clutched at her chest, contracting her ribs so powerfully that her hands jerked on the handles of the four-wheeler. She barely had time to realize she was headed for the ditch before the front wheels dipped sharply down and she went flying into the air.
There was no time to brace herself before she was slammed against the fence bordering the neighboring ranch. She hit hard, knocking the air from her lungs as she bounced off the fence to fall onto the gravel beside the road. She landed with a silent groan, wincing as pain shot from her hip down to her knee and her bruised shoulder began to throb. She curled onto her side, fighting to pull in a breath as her heart thundered in her ears like hooves pounding against the ground.
She was so focused on getting air into her lungs she didn’t realize the sound was actual hooves until she heard a sharp whinny and turned to see Robert vaulting from Cricket’s back. He hit the ground running, not even taking the time to tie the animal to the fence before he sprinted toward her, a terrified expression on his face that made her feel like a fool.
He still loved her. Of course he did. He was Robert, the best person she’d ever known.
She tried to tell him she was sorry, but all she could manage was a ragged cough as he knelt beside her, running a trembling hand down her back.
“Are you hurt?” he asked, breath coming fast as he reached for his back pocket. “Hang on, I’m calling an ambulance.”
“No,” she said weakly, still fighting to pull in a normal breath. “I’m fine. It’s okay.”
“No, Marisol, it’s not okay.” Robert cursed, a hard edge in his voice. “What the hell is going on? Why did you run off like that? Please, tell me what is going through your head right now, because I have no fucking clue.”
“I’m sorry.” She winced as she pushed into a seated position, sending a sharp twinge racing through her hip. “I shouldn’t have run away. I should have known seeing the tape wouldn’t change anything, but I—”
“What tape?” he asked, swiftly shaking his head side to side. “What are you talking about?”
She blinked, fighting the urge to cry as she realized the mistake she’d made. “You don’t know?”
“No, I don’t,” he said, voice rising. “All I know is that one minute I think we’re good—better than good, actually—and the next you’re running away so fast I can barely chase you down. I can’t fucking take this, Marisol. I can’t have you telling me you’re mine, and then acting like that promise doesn’t mean shit to you less than twenty-four hours later.”
“It did mean something…I just… I thought Cole showed you…” She tried to swallow, but her mouth was dry and her tongue felt twice as thick as usual. “He told me he knew about the tapes last night at the bar. He…he had one of the videos on his phone.”
The skin around Robert’s eyes relaxed, but he still looked frustrated. Frustrated and maybe a little afraid that this conversation was about to take a turn for the worse. “That’s why you ran, because you thought Cole showed me this tape?”
Marisol nodded miserably.
“Well, he didn’t.” Robert threaded his hands together as he crouched on his heels, obviously not ready to get too comfortable on the ground beside her. “But I think you’d better tell me what you thought I saw, before this secret you’re keeping screws things up any more than it has already.”
Marisol sucked her lips between her teeth and bit down, struggling to hold it together while Robert watched her like a wounded animal he might have to put out of its misery. Her fear hadn’t protected her. Her fear had only forced her into baring her dirty laundry before she was ready, and eroded the trust between her and the man she loved while she was at it.
God, she loved him. She loved him so much.