The apartment isdestroyed.I gasp, my hand going to my mouth as I take in the extent of the carnage—art shredded to pieces, everything on every shelf thrown to the floor, the Christmas tree upended, the ornaments smashed to bits. It looks as if someone ransacked the place, and my heart starts to race for a different reason as I rush through the downstairs, both looking for Alexandre and trying to determine the extent of the damage.
Was he robbed?Every room is destroyed, and to my horror, as I reach the other rooms, I see that it’s not only that. There’s blood streaked across surfaces, across ruined art, acrosseverything. Every room is destroyed, even Anastasia’s old room, but I see no sign of Alexandre. I stand there, looking at the carnage with horror, and I notice then what I hadn’t seen before—that only the books aren’t destroyed.
He did this.A horrifying certainty settles over me as I turn on my heel, racing for the staircase as I scream his name.
“Alexandre!”
There’s no answer, but I hadn’t expected there would be one. I don’t bother going for his room, knowing I’ll only find more of the same. Instead, I rush to the library, throwing open the door and skidding to a halt in the midst of a sea of scattered books.
There’s not a single one remaining on the shelves. None of them are destroyed, just thrown everywhere, all the furniture upturned—and next to one of the chaises, I see him at last, unconscious on the floor.
“Oh god,” I gasp, running to him and falling hard enough to bruise my knees on the floor next to him. His arms are still bandaged, and a sense of relief floods over me when I see that at least he hadn’t slit his wrists again, until I see that they’re caked thickly with dried blood. His rampage clearly reopened them, whether on purpose or not. As I press my fingers to his throat to check his pulse, the ferocity of the heat burning under his skin nearly makes me jerk my fingers back.
“No,” I whisper, staring down at his pale face and crumpled body. “No, no, no—”
I slump onto the floor next to him, tears filling my eyes.What am I supposed to do?He’d barely survived this once. I’m not any more capable of taking him to the hospital than I was before—all of the same problems are still here, not to mention the fact that now Georgie is in town with me, and putting Alexandre in the hospital means an easy way for Kaito to find out he’s there. Not only could I be in trouble, from either police who don’t believe I had nothing to do with Alexandre’s injuries anddidn’transack his house, attack and steal from him, or from Kaito, but Georgie as well.
Once again, I have to handle this myself—and I’m very afraid I won’t be able to pull it off twice.
“Okay,” I whisper, leaning forward and gingerly laying my palm against his face. “You’re still alive, at least. So we’re gonna get you up and more comfortable, okay?”
Swallowing hard, I assess the situation. I’m not going to be able to get him downstairs, not by a long-shot, and I’m not even sure I want to risk trying to get him to his bedroom. Instead, I get up and head to the window, righting the overturned chaise lounge in front of it, and then bit by bit, I get Alexandre across the floor and through the sea of scattered books.
Once he’s on the velvet chaise, limp as a rag doll, I focus on one thing at a time to calm my racing heart and wildly out-of-control anxiety.He’s going to die, he’s going to die,I think over and over, and every time I have to force the thought out of my head, doing my level best to focus on what I can controlnowrather than what could happen.
He’s going to die, and I will never have actually told him that I love him.
The thought is startling in its sharpness, the clarity of it. My heart thuds in my chest, and once more, I force myself not to think about it.There’s nothing you can do now but try to keep him alive.
I go through the same motions as before—changing his bandages, getting cool water to wipe his face with, and forcing acetaminophen down him. It all helped once before, and I have to believe it will do so again.
When there’s nothing left to do but wait, I kneel by the chaise, holding his hand as I look out the window at the city beyond. I think of all the nights I sat here reading, staring out over Paris, and how much everything has changed since then.
“I’m here,” I whisper, reaching up to stroke his thin, fevered face. “Your little mouse came back, Alexandre. You can’t die on me, okay? I came back. You can’t die without me getting to tell you—”
Tears well up in my eyes. I have to go back to the hotel eventually. I can’t bring Georgie here, to this place, not without answering questions that I never want to have to explain to him. I don’t want him to see any of this. I don’t want to leave Alexandre like this, but I can’t stay here all night.
“Please don’t die,” I whisper, leaning forward. “Don’t die before I can tell you—”
I swallow hard, afraid to say what’s on the tip of my tongue, afraid not to. I lean closer, pressing my forehead to his despite the burning heat of his fever, pressing my lips to his in a soft, desperate kiss.
“I love you,” I whisper against his mouth, my fingers curling around his. “I love you, my monster, my beast, my Alexandre. I love you, and you have to come back to me. Do you hear me? You have to come back.”
Tears slip from my eyes, dripping down my cheeks and onto his. I want to stay close to him forever, holding him, tethering him to me like a lifeline keeping him from slipping away.
And then, as I clutch his hand and cry, I feel him shift underneath my touch.
“Noelle—” His voice slurs, delirious. “Why—how—”
I swallow hard, forcing myself to let go of his hand before I squeeze it too tightly. “I’m here.” I touch his face, trying to hold back my tears. “I’m here, Alexandre.”
“Why are—you—here?”
I laugh through my tears, shaking my head as I press my lips together. “I don’t know,” I tell him, cupping his jaw in my hand. “Because I love you.”
“W—why?”
“I don’t know the answer to that, either.” I kiss him again softly. “Because I looked at you, atyou,and I fell in love.It is in this way love begins,remember? So you can’t die. I came back, so you can’t die. Do you understand?”