The Christmas decorations everywhere make my heart ache, reminding me of last night.What is Alexandre doing right now?I wonder, biting my chapped lower lip. By now, he will have woken up without me. He’ll be trying to go about his day without my help, trying to feed himself, and dress himself. I imagine him waking in the lonely bed, and tears spring to my eyes. I’ve traded worry and grief over missing one person for another—but Georgie is my brother. Myfamily. No matter how I might feel about Alexandre, regardless of whether those feelings were right or not, there was never a choice.
It will fade in time,I tell myself firmly. Alexandre is my first crush, my first infatuation, the first man I ever shared any intimacies with. That’s all. I feel as if I love him, but it’s a bond formed out of a traumatic situation, nothing more. Even if the love is real, even if heismy first love, that will fade in time, too.Doesn’t it always?It’s not like the fairytales. I won’t pine for him until the end of my days, even if the hollow ache in my chest and my stomach that feels as if it’s radiating down to my bones says otherwise.
I feel like thisbecausehe was the first everything I’ve done so far, because of all the emotions and trauma wrapped up in what we had, I tell myself as I walk up to the flat, my heart skipping beats in my chest as I approach. I have to focus onnow, on how to handle explaining what’s happened to Georgie if he’s here, or what steps to take next if he’s not.
There’s no light coming from under the door or through the windows, and my gut knots with dizzying anxiety as I raise my fist and rap on the door hard, once, twice, and then a third time. “Georgie!” I call out, hoping that it’s taking this long for him to answer because he doesn’t want to open the door to a stranger, as he shouldn’t, or he’s avoiding collectors. “Georgie, it’s Noelle! Please open the door if you’re in there! Georgie, it’s Noelle!”
I keep knocking as I call out, wincing as I wonder how long it’s going to take for any of the neighbors to come out to find out what’s causing all the racket—but at least then one of them might be able to clue me in on where my brother is. I’m close to starting to bang on doors going down the hall, when the door is suddenly flung open under my raise fist, and my brother’s thin, owlish face peers at me from the darkness of the flat.
“No—Noelle?”
His voice cracks as he says my name, his eyes going wider than I would have thought possible, and I can’t help myself. Not a single word comes out of my lips as I burst into tears, lurching forward and throwing my arms around him as I squeeze him so hard I think I hear something crack.
“I was so afraid you’d be gone,” I sob into my little brother’s neck. “I thought I wouldn’t be able to find you or that something horrible would have happened—”
“Well, it hasn’t exactly been roses,” he grunts, squirming in my grasp. “I can’t breathe, Noelle. Lemme go, and we can talk?”
Reluctantly I release him, wiping at my face with my coat sleeves as I step into the flat and close the door before someone can come out and see the scene I’m making on our doorstep.
The inside of the flat is dark, but I can see tears shimmering in Georgie’s eyes, too, as he looks at me, his face stricken. “I thought you were dead,” he says, his voice cracking again. “Where did you go? I thought you left me—”
I shake my head furiously, shrugging off my coat and hanging it on the hook. “I didn’t mean to,” I tell him. “I thought I could pay off the debts our father owed. But it all went upside down.”
“How?” Georgie frowns. “You said there was no money—” His eyes widen, and I see something like shock and disappointment cross his face. “Oh.”
“Don’t look at me like that,” I tell him sharply, walking further into the living room. “I was trying to do what needed to be done to make sure you weren’t hurt. There was no one left to do it but me, Georgie. They would have kept coming after you.”
“Yeah, but—” He shuffles his feet on the carpet, sinking into the armchair that used to be our father’s as I sit gingerly on the edge of the couch. “I’m the man of the house now. And I shouldn’t let anyone lay a finger on my sister, especially not likethat—”
I snort. “Don’t give me that patriarchal bullshit, Georgie. I’m your big sister. It’s my job to protect you, and from the looks of it, I at least managed that.” I peer at him, seeing the faded bruises and healing marks from the beating he had the day I decided to go to Harry’s, but nothing that looks newer than that. “They left you alone after, didn’t they?”
“I mean, yeah, sure, but—” He kicks his feet again, looking younger than even his sixteen years as he looks across at me. “You shouldn’t have had to do that. And I mean—no one’s come after me, but the lights are all off. The water’s next, probably. I’ve been scrounging food from what the shops toss out. If you hadn’t come back, the landlord probably would have been next—” His face screws up, as if he’s fighting back the tears again. “I really thought you were dead, Noelle.”
“For a minute, so did I.” I press my lips together. “I didn’t mean to leave you, Georgie. I swear. I figured out where our father had been gambling, and I thought I could pay off the debt there. Just like picking up a few extra shifts until they considered it covered. But—”
“What happened?” Georgie looks at me, and I wince. I don’t want to give my little brother too many details.
“They drugged me and sold me to a bad man,” I tell him simply. “And another one helped me get away and get back here to you. I’m sorry it wasn’t quicker, Georgie, but I didn’t have money or a passport. Once I got those things, I came back straightaway.”
He’s quiet for a long moment. “You went through all that for me,” he sniffs. “It doesn’t seem right—”
“I went through it forus,” I tell him firmly. “For what’s left of our family, so we could be together again.”
“In a flat with no power or food, just before Christmas?” He wipes the ratty sleeve of his sweater over his face. “We don’t haveanything, Noelle.”
“Well, all that is about to be fixed. I have money leftover, and I’m going to get all of that solved. We’ll have a good dinner tonight, and tomorrow I’ll get the lights and the heat back on. I’ll find out if my job is still available, and if not, I’ll find a new one; we’ve got enough to get by until then.” I lean forward, touching his arm gently. “I’m back, Georgie, and I won’t leave you again. I promise. You matter more to me than anything else in the world.”
With a small sob, he flings himself into my arms, and I squeeze him hard. We sit like that for a moment, clinging to each other, and then I sit back, looking at my little brother. “No more crying,” I tell him firmly. “Now I’m going to go out and get some food and some firewood, and we’ll have a nice dinner in front of the fire. Alright?”
Georgie nods. “I’m coming with you,” he insists. “You’re not leaving me here again.”
Sighing, I relent, and the two of us head out into the cold, once Georgie is what I consider sufficiently bundled up against it. We get kebabs from a food truck and groceries for the next few days once the power is back on and firewood. “It’ll be cozy,” I tell Georgie as we head back. “Like a party. We’ll just sit in front of the fire, and tomorrow everything will be back to normal.”
“You gotrealeggs and bacon instead of the liquid kind and the frozen sausage links,” Georgie says disbelievingly. “Nothing about this is normal.”
“Well, look at it as a bit of a celebration, then,” I tell him. “It’s almost Christmas. I have to put aside some of this money in case I don’t have a job right away still, but we can enjoy ourselves a little. God knows we never have before.”
I wrap my arm around his shoulders as we walk, and I try not to think of Alexandre, what he’s doing, or wonder if he’s okay. I try to be present in the moment with my brother, the reason I came back, and focus on what’s ahead of us.