All love goes as water by the sea
All love goes by
How slow life seems to me
How violent the hope of love can be
I close my eyes as the glass opens my flesh, dragging it down my forearm, the hot blood welling and spilling up. I hear Anastasia’s voice in my head, at the foot of the hotel room bed, reciting back to me. I see her blue eyes welling with tears as she tells me goodbye in our language, the one we shared, the memory of that night hanging between us.
Tomorrow at dawn
At the hour when the countryside whitens
I will depart
“Margot.” I whisper her name as I take the glass in my shaky left hand, pressing it against my right wrist this time. “Vois-tu, je sais que tu m’attends.J’irai par la forêt, j’irai par la montagne.Je ne puis demeurer loin de toi plus longtemps—”
My voice breaks as the glass presses into my flesh, cutting it, splitting it.My love. My Margot.
The poem I had read Anastasia, so long ago, had been Margot’s favorite. I had made a gift of it, to the second woman I loved, and yet—
It was never enough.
You see, I know you wait for me.
I will go through the forest, and over the mountains.
I cannot stay far from you any longer.
“Je ne puis demeurer loin de toi plus longtemps,”I whisper again. My hand opens weakly, the glass dropping to the floor as blood streams from my forearms. Slowly, I sink down to follow it. “I cannot stay far from you any longer.”
“Forgive me,” I whisper. “Brienne, Anna, Lisel—” I whisper their names, one after another, the broken girls I tried to save and could not. “Anastasia, Noelle—forgive me.”
I close my eyes, tears streaming down my face as the hot blood streams down my arms. I know there is no forgiveness, nothing to come after the last of the blood leaves my body, and yet I find myself hoping, even now. “If I find you, Margot, will you want me? After all I’ve done, can you love me still?”
My words are hardly a whisper, the strength leaving my body. The darkness swims in front of my face, and I know this is it.
This is the end, and this time, instead of being afraid, I welcome it. I don’t deserve death, and yet, it is here for me anyway.
At long last, I can be free.
14
NOELLE
Astrange noise from somewhere in the house wakes me, and I sit up, bolt upright.
I had the strangest dream.It had to have been a dream—I can’t imagine Alexandre actually brushing my hair away from my face or kissing me with such gentleness. But why I’d have such a dream after the strange heated violence of what he’d done to me earlier, is beyond me.
My mouth feels dry, and I rub the sleep out of my eyes, feeling exhausted. My sleep was fitful at best, and I didn’t have nearly enough of it.Surely Alexandre is in bed by now,I think tiredly.I’ll go and get some water and then go back to sleep. Tomorrow will be—
Will be what?I think as I slide out of bed.Better? Different?Truthfully, I know it will be none of those things. It won’t be better or different, only more of the same. Cleaning Alexandre’s house, kneeling for my meals, sneaking in the library, and now a line has been crossed. He’s touched me, both for punishment and sexually, and I know that’s the beginning of something. He’ll cross other lines, in time.
I no longer believe I might leave this house without giving Alexandre Sartre my virginity—or having it taken from me. I’m not sure I’ll leave this house at all. I have no real answers about the girls I found evidence of, only the hints of a ballerina having been here, the mysterious Anastasia. Only that, and Alexandre’s furious reaction to go off of.
That’s a problem for tomorrow,I tell myself, making my way down the hall. I’m very aware that I’m wearing nothing but pajama pants low on my hips and a thin tank top with no bra. Still, I’m confident Alexandre must be in bed by now, and from what I saw of him on the floor, he likely won’t touch me for some time again anyway. I don’t knowwhatto make of that reaction, only that it made me that more confused about his mental state.
I rub my eyes again as I reach the kitchen doorway, feeling like I’m still half asleep—and freeze in place as I see the scene in front of me.