Page 72 of It Comes In Waves

Page List


Font:  

Judson- We need to talk about this.

Judson- Please, I can come to you.

We absolutely need to talk about this. I just don't know what to say right this second. I type out a quick response knowing he isn't going to just leave it alone.

Blakely- I don't think that is a good idea.

Judson- You don't think me seeing my son is a good idea?

Blakely- Honestly, I don't know yet. He's just a baby, and I don't want you to decide on a whim you want to be part of this and then just disappear.

Judson- It’s not like that Blakely, please.

Blakely- I think I need some time to think about all of this, maybe we can meet tomorrow?

Judson- Okay, I'll come to you.

Blakely- No, I'll have Lexie watch him, and I'll meet you at the dock, say 2 PM.

Judson- Fine.

I keep replaying the look on Judson's face in my head when I told him about his son. I never expected him to be thrilled, but I didn't expect him to look at me like that.

The rest of the evening continues without a hitch. I honestly expected Judson to show up and do something rash. Demand a paternity test, something, but he doesn't. I finish up some editing while JC finishes his nap. I sit him in his bouncy seat while I cook dinner, and as much as I want to sit and think about how things could play out with Judson, the distraction of JC is more than enough to keep my mind from going there, at least for now.

After dinner, I decided that even though I'm breastfeeding, I need a drink, so I pour myself a glass of wine. I have enough breastmilk frozen to pump and dump, and after the day I've had, that's precisely what I'm going to do.

I fight with JC for a good ten minutes to get him to take a bottle, and he finally gives in. He hates the bottle when I'm the one giving it to him. He knows I've got the goods and doesn't like to be tricked. Sleep consumes him before he even finishes drinking, and tonight I don't think I have it in me to set him down. I need his cuddles. I reach for my phone and scroll through my messages with Judson, reading, and re-reading. I type out a message and hit delete, watching it disappear letter by letter until it's gone. Instead, I snap a picture of JC asleep in my arms and send the picture.

The night turns into morning, and there is no response from Judson. My mind is racing with a million explanations about why he wouldn't respond after he seemed so adamant about talking earlier. JC will be up before long ready for another feeding, so I turn off my phone and wish for a magical reset button for my brain.

CHAPTER 47

JUDSON

I have a son.

I have a son.

I have a son.

I figure if I say it enough times, it will make it more real. I should've said something, anything, but instead, I just looked at her with my jaw on the hardwood floor. I pace back and forth, contemplating whether I should chase after her and bang on the door demanding answers to all of these questions I have orbiting around in my head.

I have a child, and I don't even know his name or his birthday.

Does he have my eyes or Blake's?

I missed everything, and I didn't even know that I was missing it. After a quick shutdown of text messages, I quickly realize I do not have the upper hand in this situation. She gets to make all the decisions, and I have no choice but to agree. I throw my phone into the wall, and the remnants cover the floor.

I'm so pissed at myself that I can't even think straight. She's right to have her reservations. I just ghosted her because I thought that was best. I felt that leaving her alone until I could figure out what to do about Ryan was the right thing to do. I was wrong, I was so wrong. If I'd known she was pregnant, I probably would've done whatever I could, illegal or not, to make sure Ryan didn't hurt her.

I'm pissed at myself, but I'm also mad at Blake for not telling me. I had a right to know. That is my fucking kid too. I slam my fist into the sofa table and try to control the involuntary tears that are flowing. I don't cry usually, but the fact that the only girl I've ever loved had my child alone and probably afraid just shakes me up. I should've been there, but instead, I stood in my own way.

Most of the evening goes by, and I find myself still sitting in the same spot staring into the same space trying to make sense of this mess. I question everything. Will I be a good father? Am I ready to be a father? The thoughts linger in my mind until it makes me physically ill. I think about how I want a family, her family, our family.

My doorbell goes off as I quickly jump to my feet, practically floating to the door to answer it, praying that Blakely is on the other side.

To my dismay, it's Carter. I can feel my heart sink into my abdomen as I pull the door all the way open and step away for him to come inside, leaving it for him to close. He stalks past me, eyeing the empty bottle of scotch and my broken phone on the floor.


Tags: Kirstie Goode Romance