I didn’t realize you were back in Kuralan.
The words made no sense. But if I didn’t know better and just took them at face value, they seemed straightforward enough. Rek had been under the impression I no longer resided in Kuralan. But what could possibly have given him that idea?
Azzam had told the royals where I was after he found me this position. If Rek had inquired after me in the years that followed, anyone in the market could have told him that I still worked for Nyla and could be found among Kasim’s household. Even though all my new friends said I could find a better life elsewhere, here I still was.
In all that time, even after I received Cassandra’s gift of gold, I told myself I didn’t have enough saved to start a new life. No matter how much I added, I never had enough. And every time my friends brought it up, I felt the same stab of discomfort, the same instinctual desire to change the topic of conversation.
I didn’t like to admit it, even to myself, but deep down I knew the truth. I never had enough gold for a new life because I didn’t really want a new life. I wanted my old life back. And living in Kuralan, working for Nyla, was my last connection with that old life.
I knew Rek could have found me at any time because I had made sure that was the case. And while I was being honest, it wasn’t just about my royal friends. The palace at Karema was the happy home of my childhood, the place I had lived with my father. How could I admit to my friends that I was still clinging to my inner child, whatever it cost me?
But if I had done everything possible to remain contactable, why did Rek think I was living somewhere far away? He’d always known where I was.
Unless…
Unless he hadn’t.
The final piece of silverware dropped from my hands as I surged to my feet. Pacing over to the window, I threw open the shutters. Darkness had now fallen, but I desperately needed fresh air.
Azzam had hurried me out of the palace while I was still in shock and consumed by grief. I hadn’t even had the chance to say goodbye to my friends. He had assured me he had informed the royals of his actions on my behalf, and that they would contact me in the following days. But what if he hadn’t told them at all? What if he’d told them something entirely different?
It was incomprehensible. What possible reason could he have to lie?
But the more I thought about it, the more Rek’s response made sense in the light of this possibility. If he thought I had left without so much as a farewell—moving somewhere out of reach and then never sending a single letter…
It would have been a monstrous betrayal of the kindness and friendship they had shown me over ten years.
But why would Azzam do something so cruel? I couldn’t accept the idea without any sort of motivation. What did Azzam have to gain by such deception?
I frowned as I returned to my place and retrieved the now dusty jug I had dropped. I would have to start polishing it all over again, but I welcomed the physical outlet.
Rubbing it so hard I might wear the silver away, I considered. Why had Nyla insisted I polish silverware that didn’t need the attention? What did she have to gain by directing her frustration and rage toward me?
Only an outlet for her resentment and jealousy.
But Azzam hadn’t been my father’s enemy. He had been one of the viziers in the same group as my father. My father had been highly praised for all ten of the years he worked as a vizier, and the two men had often worked closely together. Azzam had been my father’s friend, or I wouldn’t have trusted him after my father’s death.
An incongruous image appeared in my mind. Yasmine and Nyla sitting down to tea, the facade of friendship a thin veneer over simmering jealousy and competition. As a child, I had taken friendships at face value, but I had now worked closely with Nyla for years, so I knew things weren’t always as they initially appeared. I couldn’t think of a single one of Nyla’s so-called friends who she actually liked. She either accepted them because they pandered to her sense of importance, or the friendship was merely an opportunity to flaunt her wealth and position—as Yasmine had done today with her invitation. Nyla might be angry with Yasmine, but she would have done the same in reverse and gloried in every minute.
My father hadn’t been like that, I was sure of it. He had been true from head to heart and always kind, regardless of the other person’s rank. But that just meant he would never have spoken poorly of one of his colleagues to his young daughter. If Azzam was another Nyla, my father would have privately held him in contempt, but he wouldn’t have thought to warn me. Caught up with the royal children, I almost never came into contact with Azzam. And my father hadn’t expected to suddenly die.
I was trembling, gasping the cool night air in an effort to calm down. All my foundations, all my emotions from the last three years were shaking along with me.
My first instinct was to run straight out of the house and head to the palace. But my good sense soon reasserted itself. My personal revelation would do nothing to get me through the gates. If I turned up at the palace in the middle of the night, the guards would laugh in my face—if they didn’t arrest me on suspicion I was there to cause trouble.
My best hope was to wait for a public appearance—the very events I had been carefully avoiding all this time for fear of the pain they would cause me. If I managed to push my way to the front of the crowd, they might recognize me. Rek had already done so in the middle of a forest, so I clearly hadn’t changed that greatly. Adara would surely know me as well, as long as she wasn’t so angry at my disappearance that she rejected me before I had a chance to explain.
If only I could have my time with Rek by the gate back again. If only I’d thought faster and understood the implications of his words. I might never get an opportunity like that again.
Finally finishing the last piece of polishing, I placed it carefully on the tray with the others. As I rose to my feet and reached for the tray’s handles, my eyes fell on the scales and guilt flooded me. I should have used my one opportunity to speak to Rek to report our discovery of the cave.
Now, of course, the same difficulty applied with the cave as with my own concerns. How could I get a message to Rek or Adara about the gang when I had no way to access them? I wasn’t foolhardy enough to give my message directly to the guards. I could only imagine how they would respond if I turned up and announced I had information about the thieves. I had no desire to find myself on the wrong end of a guard interrogation.
Sighing, I hurried out into the corridor to return the pieces of silverware to their cupboard. However much I wanted to do so, I couldn’t turn my revelations into action. Not right this second anyway.
It was hard to discipline myself to quietly return to bed and seek my overdue sleep. I had always preferred action to patient waiting. But eventually my fatigue overtook me, and I managed a few fitful hours.
CHAPTER6