We are all seated at the kitchen table. I managed to finish work earlier today as well, surprising Marley once more with my presence at home at a time when she was not expecting me.
I eye both girls across the table, and this is where it struck me. This is what I’ve been missing. This is what I want, what I’m craving for. Someone to wait for me when I come home from work, someone who will make it all worthwhile. Up until this point, my life has revolved around Marley, and it will continue to revolve around her for as long as I’m alive.
But we’re all humans. We’re adults, with adult needs and desires. I’ve been focusing on work for far too long. Now that I’m at risk of losing everything that I’ve worked so hard for, I realize that nothing else matters, other than Marley… and Lilly.
I can’t imagine not having her around. It’s something I chose not to think about, simply because it’s been easier that way but at some point, that moment will come. She won’t be able to come any longer, because she will have obligations of her own, work or whatever else she set her mind to, or Marley won’t need a nanny any longer. Whatever the reason would be, I can’t keep Lilly on as my employee forever.
But I do want to keep her, period. I want her around not as my employee, not as Marley’s nanny, but as something much more than that. I know that now. I’ve been fighting it for so long, afraid that Marley would get hurt but Marley is a big girl. A big little girl, who understands far more than she should. I guess that is just how precocious children are. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she herself is taking part in making sure that Lilly and I spend as much time together as possible, with her around.
Maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea to tell her anything immediately, but in time…
But I’m way ahead of myself here. Lilly is the first one I need to talk to, to see where she stands. First, however, I need to clear my name. I can’t do anything while I have this accusation looming over me.
Marley’s laughter brings me back from the confusing mess of my thoughts. She is explaining something, waving her arms about, and the look on Lilly’s face is mesmerizing. These two are the only girls I need in my life, and I know I can’t let either of them go. Not now, not ever.
I put Marley to sleep. This time, we read her favorite book twice, although I had the feeling that she would fall asleep immediately, but the strength of a child’s mind is incredible. She managed to keep herself awake until the last moment, when finally, I hear the slow, rhythmical breathing and I know she’s out like a light.
Silently, I slink out of her room, not wanting to wake her up, although I doubt that even if did make any noise, she wouldn’t hear it. I walk to the living room, where I find Lilly seated on the couch, with a book in her hand. She bent her knees and hid her bare toes underneath her body.
At first, she doesn’t notice me come in and I am able to look at her uninterruptedly for a few precious moments. Then, her long eyelashes lift and our gazes lock. She smiles.
“Is she asleep?” she asks.
“Mhm,” I nod. “She fought it for a long time, though.”
I take a seat by her side on the sofa. A part of me expects her to scoot away, but she doesn’t. She is so close to me that I could reach out and touch the velvety softness of her cheek, but I keep my hands to myself.
“I’m surprised it’s so,” she admits, “we had quite a busy day.” With that said, she yawns, putting her hand over her mouth.
I chuckle. “Seems so.” I glance at the clock on the bookshelf, which is showing 9.30 pm. “It’s pretty late,” I notice.
Maybe not for many other people, but when you wake up at six, ten at night seems like a whole lifetime away from the moment you woke up that morning. I’m sure she feels the same way.
“Yeah,” she nods, closing the book she was reading.
I want to remind her that she doesn’t have to drive back home. But I’ve said it so many times before, that I feel she might think I’m pressuring her into something, when that’s the last thing I want to do.
“I um…” she starts, sounding hesitant, but that same smile is still gracing those soft features of hers. “I brought some overnight clothes, if it’s OK for me to stay in the guestroom.”
My lips part, and I pause for a moment, letting this knowledge sink in. Then, I continue. “Of course, it is.”
“Thank you,” she says softly, her face turned to me.
“No,” I correct her. “Thank you.”
“For what?” Her left eyebrow raises, making her look even cuter.
“For helping us with everything,” I explain, not really planning to have this conversation, but now that I started it, like an avalanche, it is just pouring out of me. “You’ve been such help with Marley, I feel as if you appeared like a God send.”
A different kind of smile appears on those beautiful lips, a smile unlike any other I’ve seen her have. Her features become even softer, as the gentle glow of the lamps around us provides enough light as well as darkness. The perfect combination of the two.
“I don’t want to sound sappy or pathetic,” I quickly add. “Just… grateful.”
“I know what you mean,” she tells me, adjusting herself on the sofa, so that her feet are now on the ground, and she is fully turned to me.
I can’t take my eyes off her. The way she is breathing that is making her perfectly round breasts rise underneath the thin fabric of her t-shirt. I think she’s not wearing a bra. The thought dries out my mouth instantly, just thinking of those juicy nipples with my tongue on them, with my hands cupping them.
I try to banish the thought, but it has contaminated my entire body, my entire mind, my entire heart, and there is no antidote.