Lilly immediately looks up at me. She doesn’t have dinner with us. She helps make it, but the moment I come home, she is free from her duties. Marley knows that.
“Oh, I would love that, Mar,” Lilly explains herself before I need to say anything, “but I’m afraid that I need to get going.”
“So soon?” Marley sounds disappointed.
Lilly cups her face with her hands and smiles. “I’ll be here tomorrow morning before you wake up, as always, deal?”
“Dealio,” Marley brightens up.
“I’ll just set up the table and then I can get going,” Lilly looks at me with those big brown eyes.
“That’s fine,” I tell her. “Marley and I can do it ourselves. Thank you.”
“Oh… alright then,” she agrees, looking about her as if she’s suddenly confused. She places the kitchen towel on the island and heads to fetch her bag.
“Let’s walk Lilly out,” I tell Marley, and together we see her out the door.
Lilly gives Marley a hug, as every evening, and a moment later, the door closes, leaving only Marley and me alone.
“I’m very eager to try that spaghetti you girls made,” I tell Marley, as we’re going back to the kitchen, and we start setting up the table for the two of us.
“Lilly put basil in the sauce,” Marley says importantly, putting out the plates.
“Did she now?” I ask.
Sometimes, it’s hard to be surprised and interested in everything, which is what a child’s world is supposed to be like. Julia was the better of the two in that. I could rely on her to feed that child’s curiosity about the world, while I took care of the two of them. That was our arrangement.
Then, everything changed. One drunken driver. That was all it took for my world to turn upside down. I had this little life in my hands, and I didn’t know what to do with it. Even now, I don’t always know what to do. I feel like I’m faking it sometimes, the curiosity and the interest but the only thing I’m never faking is the love. Never love.
“Lilly said you’ll probably like it,” Marley continues.
“Really?” I wonder.
I really wonder why Lilly would care if I would like something or not. I have to admit that when I saw her for the first time, I didn’t think she’d get the job. My first impression was that she was too pretty. That was wrong. I know it. I knew it then and I know it now, but it is what it is. I thought a pretty young woman would just be a distraction. I am not looking for anyone, but a man’s brain sometimes works on its own. It follows some ancient, animalistic logic.
I can tell by the way I notice how she’s walking sometimes, swaying a little too much to the sides, her plump butt floating and for that millionth part of a second, I wonder how it would feel to slap that butt and see how much it would jiggle. Then, I remember she is my daughter’s nanny, and everything goes back to normal but that’s a man’s brain. That’s how it works sometimes. There’s nothing you can do about it.
But she came with excellent recommendations. When she finally met Marley at an arranged meeting at a playground, I could see the instant connection. Marley fell in love with her. Lilly was all focused on her for over an hour, while I sat on a bench and just supervised the two of them together. I had to admit she was good. Better than good. I was sold even before Marley told me that she wanted Lilly and no one else. I sighed and surrendered.
Marley and I have a late dinner together, then I give her a bath, as always. Only now, at seven, she keeps reminding me that she is a big girl and that there are many things she can do on her own now. I don’t think I like it, but I don’t tell her that.
As we snuggle in bed, I read her a bedtime story. It is always the same one, although there is an endless row of books on her bookshelf. She always wants this one. The one Julia used to read to her when she was too little to remember even but there is something that is drawing her to that book, and I can’t help but wonder if somehow, subconsciously she does remember that her mother read it to her. The thought makes me sad, but I don’t let it show.
When we finish the story, I look down at her. Her breathing has become slow and rhythmical. I lean closer to her and kiss her softly on the forehead. She stirs a little but doesn’t wake up. I tuck her in, tiptoeing out of the room, making sure to leave the night light on.
I take a quick shower, and head to bed. It is difficult to switch my brain off before sleeping, although that would be the perfectly thing to do right now. I try closing my eyes, but that doesn’t help. Nor does the faint smell of tomato sauce still in the air.
Lilly said you’ll probably like it, Marley said.
I wonder what Lilly meant by it. She doesn’t have to cook anything special. I told her that whatever Marley wants, that’s the menu for the day. Take out is also fine. I’m not picky about what I eat. Lilly’s main job is to take care of Marley, and food is, of course, a part of that, but I would rather them do something educational or fun, or hopefully both at the same time, and then eat whatever they felt like eating. Maybe Julia wouldn’t approve, but… Julia isn’t here.
That same thought somehow brings me back to Lilly, to the tight jeans she was wearing and how they hugged her curves perfectly.
I open my eyes and shake my head at myself disapprovingly. This isn’t the time to be thinking about young women. I’m honestly not sure when that time will come. It doesn’t matter. For the time being, Marley is the most important young woman in my life, and I plan on keeping it that way for a very long time.
I don’t know at what point sleep takes me over, but I have the same recurring dream again. I am getting that same phone call that made my world crash down all around me. They tell me that Julia was in an accident. They tell me that I have to come to the hospital immediately and again, I just have enough time to hold her by the hand, then she lets go.
I wake up drenched in sweat, like every time. And like every time, I know I won’t be able to fall asleep again, so I head to the terrace and light up a cigarette. It used to be able to calm me down. Now… I doubt anything has the power to do so, other than Marley’s smile.