“But I do! God... don’t you see how this is tearing me up? I met with doctors and nurses that kept shoving pamphlets down my throat saying all you can still do while having treatment. How to live your life and not feel sorry for yourself. How to maintain a can-do attitude. Well, fuck it. I’m laying out the truth. This fucking sucks. I’m not supposed to feel sorry for myself. Well, you know what? I do. So sue me. I want to give up. I don’t want to go through this anymore. I’ve been feeling like shit for ninety-nine percent of the time, and you know that one percent? That one brief, glorious moment when I didn’t feel like a corpse is when I woke up to see you sitting there… ” Tegan shook her head slightly as she looked him up and down. “You have no idea what it felt like to finally feel alive again.”
Owen took a step forward as he said, “Please don’t shut me out. Let me help you.”
“No!” Tegan yelled, taking a step back. “I can’t, Owen.”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t depend on you! I need to do this myself. I can’t drag you down too. Look what they are saying about you!”
“I don’t care.”
“I do! You and Fiona are the only two bright spots in my life. The only things that make me actually try to wake up another day. But with you it’s different. I know the abortion broke your heart, just as much as it did mine. It was our loss together. But you’re the fighter. You just have to sweep it under the rug, right? Look at how its affected you since. God... I tried to make you go away. To forget about me, even though I needed you more than anything. I just wanted to fall into your arms and have you be my strength. I still want to let you carry me through this. But if I lose that part of myself, I lose everything. And I can’t do that to you, make you have to be the one to take care of me.”
Owen closed the distance between them until her back hit the wall. Her eyes glistened as she shook her head. “Please... Owen... don’t.”
For a brief moment, Owen thought about adhering to her request. But when he saw her gazing at his lips and biting her own, he ignored it. He lowered his face to hers and their lips met. Once. Twice. Tegan brought her fingers to his face, tenderly keeping him still before moving her head away. “No... I can’t...”
“You don’t want me to kiss you?”
“I do... but I... I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t want me to touch you?”
Tegan lowered her eyes slightly. “Of course I do... seeing you again... you look so fucking... I just... we just... we shouldn’t. I shouldn’t.”
Owen wanted to ask why, but an idea struck him. He took her by the hand and led her to the bathroom. He closed the door behind them, locking them in the dark. He cupped her face with both hands. Here, he didn’t even need to come forward. She kissed him with such energy; little moans escaped from her every few seconds. As much as he loved this, Owen reached for the lights and turned them on. Tegan immediately stopped and felt her obviously flushed face. “What are you doing?”
“I want an answer. Why won’t you let me touch you without darkness as your cover?”
“Owen... I...”
She couldn’t answer. Owen reached behind her shoulders to the zip of her dress, slowly undoing it. He unclipped her bra and tossed it to the floor. The dress dropped, along with her underwear, with a swish. She offered no protest. Instead, she reached out and clung to him as she was left naked, pressing into him.
“Turn around. Face the mirror,” he whispered.
“No,” she replied thickly.
“Yes... ” Owen whispered, leaving a soft kiss on her forehead as he gently slid the scarf off.
“Owen please... stop forcing me...”
“I’m not. I want to know why you won’t look at yourself. Why you won’t kiss me when you obviously want to. Please, just tell me.”
Tegan slowly turned around, and after a good ten seconds, looked at herself with trembling lips. “Because I’m so ugly...” she said before burying her face in her hands. Owen let her. She needed to get it out. He understood. But he also knew he had to do something. He let his fingers run along her arms, his mouth leaving soft kisses in between her shoulder blades. “Now, you listen to me,” he said, almost into her skin. “You are not ugly. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. You’re just sick. And we are going to get through this together. But first things first. We make a pact. No more tears. No pain. Say it with me. No pain.”
He wrapped his arms around her waist as she said the same words he did. And again once more.
“Good,” he said, running the tip of his tongue along the skin between her neck and shoulder, leaving small bites as he traversed back and forth. “You’re not ugly. Say it.”
“I’m not...” Tegan trailed off, eyes closed, her hand reaching behind, stroking Owen’s hair as he continued to bite and lick her neck.
“Finish it...” he growled, cupping her breasts with both hands.
She gasped and leant back into him at the same time, silently begging him to keep going. “I’m not ugly...”
She had to stop kissing him to comply, but immediately after, she opened her mouth again to take his tongue deep. He moved one hand from her breast down her stomach as he said, “No pain...”
“No pain.”