“I think you are making the right decision. I just feel good about him in a way that has been hard to explain. Do you trust me?” Charlotte looked at her sister, and Arabella returned a smile.
“You do not often lead me astray,” she said.
“No,” Charlotte smiled. She stood up and pressed a kiss to the top of her sister’s forehead and left her to wake up and brush the knots from her messy hair.
ChapterTwelve
It was noon when William arrived at the Hoskins estate, ridiculously overdressed, and feeling sick to his stomach. He had paced back and forth in front of the mirror, switching cravats and waistcoats until he was no closer to making a decision.
Charlotte didn’t take the outcome of her confession well. At least, that was how it seemed. It was useless whether he told her he’d be interested in pursuing a marriage. She wasn’t seriously considering marriage. Love didn’t make him a loser, but it did mean that he was getting more invested. It was dangerous. Even if he didn’t want to marry after all of this, he would still have to come to terms with losing her. He couldn’t wait on a family for the rest of his life while another woman decided his fate.
When William rounded the drive, he spied out in front of the estate Charlotte, sitting on the fountain edge with a book in hand. She looked up, watching William hurry up the drive. She set down her book at once and stood.
It seemed like an awkward amount of time to make her watch him. He was still quite far away at this point. His heart trembled in his chest. He had been thinking about their afternoon at the watermill ever since the day it happened. Some nights he would awake already in the throes of ecstasy at a mere dream of her.
She stood there, stiller than she usually was. She was tense, like something had her on edge. William felt it too. It seemed that the more intense their feelings got, the closer they were to a very unhappy conclusion. This was never designed with any conclusion in mind. Neither of them had thought that far ahead.
Despite the heavy emotions that hung in the air, she looked beautiful. Nothing about her was usual. She had always thrown William into such confusion. She could surprise him with the way she looked, the things she said, and even the way she moved. Ever since he first laid eyes on her, he was pathetically entranced by her ways.
“Good afternoon, my grace,” he said as he neared her. She curtsied, eying him dubiously as he circled around the far side of her with the horse. He looked down at the book on the fountain edge. He smiled. “Romeo and Juliet? I didn’t think it had enough of a wild female protagonist for your liking,” he said.
“So senseless,” she shook her head.
“Pardon me?”
“I said it is senseless. A love that hurts that much is hardly a love worth dying over, do you not think so?” When she asked it, it was clear that her breath was already wearing thin.
“Ideally, no love is worth dying for,” he began. “However sometimes even our purest feelings are a tragedy. Do you think it is funny? Tragedies all start the same. We must not be so surprised when they happen. We would save a lot of trouble just by cutting out the rot.”
“But you never do,” she mumbled.
“No, you never do,” he repeated. With a deep breath, he stepped towards her, pulling his hat off of his head. “You left in a hurry yesterday.”
She shook her head. “It was…I was overwhelmed. What we did was stupid,” she said. “I did not think I could fall for you nor you for me, but we played with fire and got burnt.”
He nodded hesitantly. “Forget about the game,” he said. “Have you changed your mind?” It hurt more than he wanted to admit to himself or anyone else.
“William,” she shook her head. “I acted like a child despite taunting you for weeks about this very thing happening. I never thought it could. The idea that someone like you might love someone like me is laughable at best and complete self-aggrandizing fantasy at worst.”
“Charlotte,” he whispered, reaching out for her, but she pulled away as they were outside.
“I do not know…” She trailed off. “How can I make a choice like that?”
“You are saying no?” He smiled with ease and Charlotte’s own dropped. She closed her eyes, clutching the book to her chest like she might just rip it apart. Her tightly fitted bodice rose up and down at the rise and fall of her breath.
“I have spent my entire life meticulously planning this. It is not clear what I need, but I do not think distraction is it.”
“Charlotte,” he raised his voice slightly, demanding, daring her. She closed her mouth and squared her stance to let him know that she wasn’t intimidated. She certainly did seem it. In all the time she’d known him, he’d never said anything with as much power behind his voice. This was something he saved for when it was critical. “Am I simply a distraction?”
“That is not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?” he asked.
Defeated, Charlotte sat on the edge of the fountain, breathlessly. She pressed her palm flat against her copy of Romeo and Juliet. “I am stuck between wanting two very different things.” She shook her head, staring at her hands.
“I can take care of you,” he said.
“But I do not want you to,” she said, pressing her hands against her face. “I want to take care of myself for once. Once in my life I want to exist for myself. Is that so selfish?’