“That’s what you want, isn’t it? To watch me. That’s why you won’t go away. What do you think is going to happen? Do you think I’ll always be alone?” I scoff, “You’re my first love. Sometimes, I think you’ll be the only love of my life. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t get easier. That I won’t find someone that I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with. I want that, you know. Maybe I won’t love him like I love you. Maybe he won’t make my heart beat faster or he won’t make the butterflies explode in my stomach. But it’s okay. I want a home. I want babies. I want a future, Zach. Maybe it’s okay for you to live in the past but I want to build my life. I want to belong somewhere. To someone.”
To you.
Oh God, how I wish that. How I wish to belong to him. How I wish he belonged to me.
But I guess some stories are just doomed. They don’t have a life, no matter how alive they feel.
Zach swallows and lowers his head. He watches the ground for about five seconds, the longest five seconds of my life.
In those five seconds, I think he gets it. He finally gets what I’m saying.
In those five seconds, I’m fraught with panic that he’ll leave. And relief that it won’t cut me every day to look at him, and not be able to touch him.
Then he looks up and his eyes are glassy. Vulnerable. Overflowing with emotions.
“I remembered something the other day,” he begins. “When I was in that hole, I was scared. I thought no one would find me. They wouldn’t even bother looking. I was a pain in the ass. Why would they look for me? So I lay there, watching the sky. It felt like I was somewhere deep. It was hot and muggy and the sky looked so far away. And then, I saw a shooting star. It was quick. Just a flash, but it was enough that I closed my eyes and made a wish.”
He chuckles. “Goes to show how desperate I was. I didn’t believe in wishes. Do you know what I wished for?”
Speechless, I shake my head.
“I wished for someone who’d care for me. Someone who’d love me. Who would put up with me and all the destructive things that I just felt compelled to do. I wished for someone soft. Someone shiny and bright. But more than that, I wished for someone I could be better for. I wished for you. And then, I found you but I was too fucking blind to see it. I was too angry and wrapped up in myself to realize you were it. That you were a star. No matter how much dirt I threw on you, you just kept shining. And I kept watching you do it.
“It’ll destroy me to watch you belong to someone else. I’ll die a little every day if you give your smiles to him. It’ll fucking gut me to watch you build a future with him. A future I could’ve had with you but I was too fucked up to reach for it. But I’ll watch you, no matter what. In your letter, you said that you’ll watch the stars every night. Well, you’re my star, Blue. I can’t not watch you. I always thought that love makes you bleed. But I guess that’s okay. I’ll take it. If you’re happy with some other guy, Blue, I’ll take the bleeding. Because I love you.”
Right in front of me, Zach grows taller. Broader. His body becomes tighter. The tendons on his neck stand out, that vein pulsing.
He’s growing in front of me, becoming stronger somehow, and all I can do is witness it mutely. Tearfully.
And when he puts his hand on me, I can’t stop him.
I don’t want to. I’ve lost all my strength. I have nothing left in me but… him.
He’s running in my veins and beating in my chest.
“I’m in love with you, Blue,” he whispers, his thumbs working on wiping off my tears. “You were right. But it didn’t start that day. It didn’t start in that detention room. It started long ago, probably in that hole. Maybe even before I was born. I haven’t just loved you for years, I’ve loved you for lifetimes. Because I don’t love you with just my heart. Heart’s just an organ. It can be ripped away from the body, stomped on, squashed into a pulp. I don’t love you with all my heart. I love you with all my soul. You’re in the core of me. You’re in my fucking essence. And no one can take that away from me. Not even death.”
He drops his forehead onto mine and I’m outright sobbing.
I’m a mess.
I’m such a fucking mess that it’s embarrassing.
It’s so bad that Zach has to clutch me to his warm, hard chest, and I wind my arms around him, clinging to him like I’m drowning.
I have no idea how long I slobber all over him but finally, my tears have dried up and I move away to look at his face.
Tracing his cheekbones, I whisper, “It’s cold out.”
His lips twitch. “I know.”
“Why aren’t you wearing a sweater? A jacket.”
He looks at my jacket. It’s blue and puffy, the first thing I bought for myself the day we arrived. “I guess I forgot.”
I fist his uniform. “You’re an idiot.”
“I am.”