He was a fine enough man—from a good family, kind, and he’d been my friend for years, but I didn’t want a slow life.Many children, as my father had said, and Finn did.
We were simply cut from two different cloths and trying to stitch us together would only end in disaster, either his or mine… Or ours.
Sighing, my feet slowed. I plopped down on the mattress, bringing my face to my hands.
In actuality, it seemed everyone was cut from one cloth and I was cut from an entirely different one. For my entire life, I had never quite fit in with the people I was surrounded with. It was as if I was watching through a window, understanding their wishes and desires to an extent, watching them settle, have children, build houses… But while they were content to live happily ever after here, I was not.
I couldn’t possibly imagine living in the confines of this small village for the rest of my life, but I was so close to exactly that, teetering just on the edge of permanence.
This exact reason was why I read, to escape into stories of adventure and lust and soul-consuming passion, everything that was lacking in my real life. I lived through the books and they mended me for a time, but once they were finished, the hole in my soul returned. The emptiness in my chest that comes with crashing back to reality, reminded of duty and responsibility, rules and confinement.
And in my heart of hearts, I knew no book would ever fill the ache that plagued me constantly. It felt as if everything I desired was just out of reach, just barely out of sight, taunting me but never revealing itself, and I was desperately chasing it in every book I devoured.
But they were just a patch, holding me together for the time being. I was always left waiting, wanting. For something, anything. Just more.
This feeling—the trapped, no end in sight, suffocating feeling—is what led me to the local pub for the first time years ago.
On a whim of rebellion and bravery, I had snuck out of my window and down the vine, escaping into town. It had been so late that night that the pub was the only thing still open, so I’d slipped in and never turned back. It became my place of peace, where I could just be normal. Free. Where I could justbreathe.
And it was where I needed to go now.
Jerking to my feet, I ripped the pins from my hair, tossing them on the bureau. My hair fell around me in loose waves as I scratched at my aching scalp. Reaching around, I quickly untwined the corset and yanked it overhead, dropping it to the floor, and the ballgown quickly followed. Kicking out of the dress, I scooped it all up and hurled it into the bathing chamber where the maids would whisk it away in the morning—hopefully to never be seen again.
Rushing back into the room in just my undergarments, I stopped dead in my tracks. My mother was sitting on the bed with her hands in her lap, face downcast.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. Believe me when I say I tried, my love. I did,” she said, her voice wavering. “I don’t want you to think I wished this for you—”
She stopped mid-sentence when I dropped to my knees before her, taking her hands in mine.
“I would never think that, Mother,” I replied.
She glanced up with misty eyes, throwing her arms around my neck.
“I want you to have love. Real true love, Ara.” She hugged me tighter. “I wanted that for you.”
Wanted. Past tense.
My heart cracked a little at her words. I squeezed her before releasing her to sit beside her.
“I wanted that too,” I whispered and we both just stared at the floor, unable to conjure the right words.
Of course, there was nothing to be said. When it came to my father, it was like arguing with a wall. His mind was decided and it would not be changed except on his own accord.
It was done the moment he announced it.
“No… No. I will talk to him again. I know you don’t want…” She gestured around the room, but I knew exactly what she meant. She meant everything. This house, this town, this life… “This.”
Placing her dainty hand on my arm, she met my eyes and I could see the sadness lingering behind them.
“But you know, and hear me out, Finn… He could be a kind husband and his family is well off. He could provide you with a life of ease. If you could live with that,” she said.
I bit my tongue as she spoke.I could survive with it, but could I live? Would it be considered living?
She continued before I had a chance to respond. “And just so you know, it is possible to live with a marriage of just friendship.” She released a deep sigh. “It is that way with your father, for me at least. With friendship comes love, and just because I don’t love him inthatway doesn’t mean my life has been miserable. It has given me you and you are the best thing I could’ve ever asked for.”
I sat up straighter, confusion and heartache welling in my chest.
“You don’t love Father? I didn’t know that…” I uttered. “But either way, you know as well as I, Finn deserves more than that, more than I could give him. He deserves someone who would love to live that life with him. Someone who would take pride in being his wife and mother to his children. That would not be me.”