Mar 2
Ax,
Nayomi found your letters.
I don’t even know how it happened. I came home, and she was sitting on my bed with them all. I had to tell her everything. She accused me of lying!
I’m so mad. I’ve been crying for hours. I hate crying when I’m angry. I want to scream at her until every person in this city knows what happened and knows what you did. I know I could go to the blogs right now and tell them everything. All I have to do is send one email, but she’d still probably accuse me of lying.
Ax, I am so, so, so angry. I’m frustrated. I knew she wasn’t going to take it well, but I can’t believe she thinks I’m lying.
I’ve never said anything like this before, but I can’t hold back anymore. I’ve loved you since that day. You told me I was okay, and I was because of you. I had this weird, shaky feeling. I felt like I shouldn’t be okay, but I was. When the police came to my room, I was almost totally calm. I asked what had happened and told them I hadn’t seen anything. I said I was out getting something to drink; I even had a takeout cup to show them.
This was today. I’m home now. Alone. I’m not going back to work. She hasn’t messaged me and I’m not going to message her. Lydi was here, and she was friendly at least. She heard everything, but she didn’t accuse me of lying. Nayomi’s probably back at the club right now telling Yaz and Luma what happened. I can’t imagine what they’re thinking or saying.
Then what? It’ll be Lydia and me against my sisters.
I don’t know what’s going to happen if she fires me. I can’t move back in with Larry; that's out of the question. I should have never moved in here with them. I should have told everyone the truth right when it all happened. Then you wouldn’t have gone to jail, and maybe… I don’t know. I’m rambling. They’re the only people I have in the world except for you.
It’s just that I’ve loved you for a long time, and I don’t want to hold it in anymore. Too many secrets. I’ve been keeping my feelings from you. I’m keeping the truth from my sisters. I’m hiding letters. I’m hiding the presents you send me… I have to break this all down one by one, and it starts with you.
I know what you’re think. My feelings for you are just because of what you did, but that’s not what’s happening. Not here. I appreciate you for saving me. That day, I was no one special; I could have been anyone. You would have done the same thing for whoever was in that truck, and that is why I’m in love with you. I love you for who you are. You didn’t have to write back tome, but you did. You didn’t have to read each of my letters, but you did. You don’t have to encourage me to live the life I want to live, but still, you do. I know you’re sensitive and kind and patient. Those blogs like to say you’re dangerous, but I feel like I’ve seen the real you.
And it helps that you’re hot… Really, really hot. Ha.
My jokes don’t even work. I’m still thinking about Nayomi. She looked at me like I did something wrong, and it’s probably one of the worst feelings in the world.
<3
Av
Mar 2
Av,
When I came back that day, I knew the police would be there. I knew there would be consequences, and I wanted to face them head-on. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t hoping to see you. I had this urge to hold you but stopped myself. On my way back to your place, I kind of wished I’d get the chance to talk to you.
I’ve wanted to hold you ever since. It’s hard for me to write that. This whole letter is hard for me to write.
Av, as much as I care about you, I can’t let myself fall for you in the way I want to.
I can say I have love for you too. But please understand, I can’t go any further than that.
I know you'll want to know why. But, unfortunately, I can’t answer that either. So I’m not going to put that down in this letter to you; this isn’t about me.
It’s really disappointing hearing about your sister. I read that part of your letter with my hand in a fist. I don’t understand how she can accuse you of lying, or why she would. The only thing that makes sense to me is that she’s probably hurt. This isn’t an excuse. It won’t make things any better, but it’s probably the truth.
Hurt people hurt people, as Dr. Lowman would say.
She’s hurt by what you said, and so she’s hurting you. But, deep down, she probably knows what you’re saying is the truth. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I still want to be there to protect you. To tell those people to back off. She owes you a big apology.
You are seeing the real me. Those blogs say what they say because I don’t talk, and no one in my circle would dare say a word about me to the press, not with my connections. Especially now that those people think I’m an actual murderer.
Hold your ground. I know it’s tough. You know the truth. Remember that.
Try not to overthink about your sisters and them being against you. Eventually they’ll come around, but you have to stay strong! You don’t have to go over what happened unless they ask. Tell them the truth, no matter how many times they ask. Your story will be consistent. Just don’t fight with them and stay calm. Keep your self-control, and wait for them to come to you. They will.
Yours,