Lilly’s words make it hard for me to breathe.
Damn it.This is not a feeling that I ever wanted to have to go through again. I can’t handle any more loss. And neither can Lilly.
“I love her too,” she says. “We need to go and tell her and stop her from leaving right now!”
“No, sweetheart,” I say as gently as I can while also firmly dismissing the idea. “Seraphine has already made up her mind and she is as good as gone. I love you, and you’ve still got me. It’s better this way, with just the two of us.”
I give her a hug, but she sniffles, and I can tell that she isn’t really buying into what I’ve said about it being better that it’s just the two of us alone. And if I’m being honest with myself, I’m not sure that I am really buying into it either.
Chapter Fifteen
Seraphine
The next few weeks arehard—probably the hardest weeks of my life. I ask Tori to mail me my last paycheck because I can’t bear the thought of facing Chad again, not after how he stormed out of here after our argument the last time that I saw him. I feelawfulabout that argument, and I feel guilty because I know that a lot of what he said was true. He has every reason to be upset with me, but that still doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t needtwinsin his life.
Besides, he hasn’t called inweeks.
The last that I heard or saw of him was when he slammed the blank check down on my kitchen table. I’ve grown exponentially in size since then, which means that the babies have too, and the only people that I have even had to talk with about it are a few of my artisan friends downtown, Tori, and Dr. Gideon.
I’ve spent a few weeks carefully and frugally shopping for some of the essentials that I will need right off the bat, and I have used the little bit of money that I had and earned myself. I haven’t written on or cashed Chad’s check. Honestly, I don’t even want it. I know that Ineedthe money, but I can’t stomach the thought of taking cash in exchange for the severance of our relationship—ifyou could even call it a relationship. At this point, it all seems like one giant dumpster fire and I’ve no idea how to put it out.
I’ve spoken to my grandparents and gotten everything all arranged to drive up there and move in with them. It’s a long drive to upstate New York, and I need to get there sooner rather than later because the longer I wait, the harder it will be for me to make the journey in my condition. But I’ve needed to wait on the sale of the cottage first. If I intendnotto cash Chad’s check, then I need some money, and the cottage is the only asset that I have. At least I have the comfort of the van to travel in when I am ready to finally pull out of town.
I use the little that I have in the way of cash to survive on through the winter, and the holidays are admittedly lonely. I find myself wondering all the time about what Chad and Lilly are doing andhowthey are doing. But then I try to clear the thoughts away because I need to focus on the two little ones that I am carrying around within me. They don’t have anyone but me.
I mostly keep to myself, aside from a few trips downtown for new art supplies since I have been painting a lot, or a couple of baby essentials to bring with me. I long to be with Chad and Lilly but I force myself to keep my distance and tend to my growing pregnancy on my own.
On Christmas, I break down and do something that I probably shouldn’t. I want to give Lilly a Christmas gift. I don’t want to leave here without at least being able to say goodbye to her in “some” way, so I make her another small painting and send it to her in the mail. This time, it is a tiny little replica of Lilly and Chad together. I think it turned out pretty good, and that I even got her smile right. I don’t know why, but I hoped that I would hear something after that—maybe just a short text from Chad to let me know that she had received it. But there is no word from him at all.
I guess he is still furious with me and I will never hear from him again.
When my cottage finally sells, to a nice young couple looking to start out together who fall almost as much in love with my claw-footed tub as I did, I am already hugely pregnant, and my due date is not that far off.
I get the go-ahead from Dr. Gideon, who essentially tells me that it’s “now or never” if I don’t want to push things too close to my due date, and then I pack up my van with the help of some of my artist friends from the village. After a few hugs, the biggest one from Lorna, and a few tears, I pull my van out of town and settle in for the long drive out of state to my grandparents’ house where I will stay until I give birth. After that, I will figure out what the hell I am going to do next. At least I will have a place to stay, my elderly grandparents around to offer what help they can, and I’ll be away from the torturous longing of being so close to Chad yet not being with him.
Several of my friends tried to get me to stay in Asheville. Lorna offered to assist me in the birth, and some of them offered to help with the babies. Tom even offered to pitch in a few bucks toward medical bills so that I didn’t need to sell the cottage. But the bottom line is that it wouldn’t have been enough. Besides, there is no way that I could stay here andnotbe with Chad and Lilly. So, I brush off their concerns and tell them that I will be fine. After all, the babies aren’t due quite yet, and I am well-versed in traveling by myself on long road trips.
My only regret is that I don’t stop to say goodbye to Chad and Lilly before I leave. Because I’m a coward.
I am only about an hour into my drive, and still consumed with thoughts about everything that I have left behind in Asheville, when suddenly the unthinkable happens.
There is a sharp pain, one that stops my breath short, and the feeling of a sudden rush of liquid.
My water broke.And the contractions don’t miss a beat before setting in. I instantly start to panic, remembering what Dr. Gideon had said about how labor and birth with twins can come on exceptionally fast. And it’s too early. They shouldn’t be coming yet.
Goddamn it,why couldn’t this have happened an hour earlier, at least I would be in town with people around me.There is no way that I can turn around and make it back to Asheville in time before the babies get here. As it is, I can’t even continue to drive.
I pull the van over right there on the side of the highway, unable to drive any further with the contractions pounding me relentlessly, and I am terrified about what will happen to me and the babies here on the side of the road alone.
I fumble around in my purse to reach for my phone and call the last number that I dialed without thinking.
“Hi Seraphine, how is the drive going?” Lorna’s voice says as soon as she picks up the call. “Do you miss us already and want to turn around?”
I try to talk but a contraction hits, and instead my voice sounds more like a scream.
“Lorna! Please, send help! I’ve gone into labor.”
“Oh, dear God, where are you, Seraphine?”