How did we broach this?
But Tor didn’t hesitate with his daughter. He offered a resolute, “Yes.”
“What?” Ella’s shock was worn so openly, it made me want to get up and go to her, but my place was beside my husband. In this, we needed to appear as a team. United. The way she shook her head in disbelief was gut-wrenching, especially when she accused, “You said you weren’t one of the bad guys.”Oh, honey. She looked so betrayed. “I believed you.”
I remained quiet, a bystander offering silent support to the man who both stole my father, and then my heart.
From the corner of my eye, I saw him inhale deeply and exhale slowly before he said, “It was an accident.”
But Ella wasn’t buying it. “No. No, I don’t believe that. You always told me you don’t aim unless you’re willing to shoot.” She got increasingly angry as she went on. “You said you’re a good shot.” Her voice rose. “That you never miss.” Her brows furrowed when she cried out, “Why are you lying to me?”
Tor closed his eyes and I felt the pain radiate off of him, like crashing waves in a turbulent ocean.
It was time to speak and when I did, I did it softly. “Your dad isn’t a bad man, Ella. He isn’t lying to you. It was an accident. It’s just… sometimes situations are complicated. This is one of those situations.”
This girl who had experienced so much hurt in her young life seemed torn. She wanted to believe me, anyone could see that, and when she glanced at her father, then down to where I had placed my hand over his, her face crumbled and she asked a shaky, “Is that why you shot him?”
I looked at my husband. He squeezed my fingers. I turned back to Ella and said quietly, “Yes.”
Ella’s shoulders shook as she began to cry. Tears streamed down her face and her voice croaked when she said, “I hated you.” She swiped at her face and tried again. “I hated you for what you did.” Her breathing hitched when she turned her wet lashes to her father. “But you deserved it.”
My heart clenched painfully at the thought of Tor hearing these words from his precious daughter. I wasn’t going to sit here and stay quiet. “That’s not fair,” I told her. “Ella, your dad and I have both done horrible things to each other. Terrible, horrible, really bad things. But that doesn’t make us bad people. It makes us human.”
Her view of her father had changed. It was obvious her little heart was breaking. “I don’t want to hear any more.” She slipped out of her seat and attempted to flee.
Tor remained silent and seated. I blinked at him, then at her, and next thing I knew I was standing. “Ella, stop. Let’s talk about this.”
“I don’t want to talk. You’re an idiot and so is he.”
She wasn’t getting away that easily. I was hot on her heels. “You can say what you want about me. I’ll take it and keep my mouth shut, but I’m asking you to listen to me for a minute.”
Ella really was her father’s daughter. She proved that when all she offered back was a cool, “No.”
The thing was, she wasn’t the only one changed by all this, and I don’t know what possessed me – maybe fear or sheer desperation – but what I said next had her stopping in her tracks. “Yeah, well, tough shit, missy, because here it is.” I reached out and curled my fingers around her upper arms, making damn well certain she couldn’t escape me and then I looked her dead in the eyes and began to tell her a story. “I had a father too and I loved him very much. And one day, he and I got into it. We had a fight. A big one. I said some things to him that day, things I didn’t mean. Things I swore to take back the next morning after we’d both slept it off.” My throat tightened. “But I never got the chance because he died that night.” My fingers flexed and I struggled to say, “I will never get to apologize. I will never hug him again, or mess around with him, or roll my eyes at how lame he could be. And, God help me,” the brief laughter that left me hurt coming out, “he waslame.”
Ella stood there, still and listening to the tragic tale.
My grip softened on her. “Now, I’m stuck in a mental prison knowing that his last thoughts of me were in anger.” The bridge of my nose tingled and I blinked back tears. “So, don’t, sweet girl.” I left her go and reached out to stroke her hair. “Don’t say things you might never be able to take back. Because the way I live, knowing he was mad at me when he was k…” My lips trembled. I swallowed hard and finished up on a whisper, “It’s torture.”
Ella looked at me and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. We shared a moment. We were just two people who had lost a parent through tragic circumstances. Two people with a shared experience.
A line cast out from my heart and hooked onto hers.
There was a change in the air around us and I think, right then, we each understood each other a little better.
I stepped out of the way and placed a gentle hand to her shoulder. Chaotic tension swarmed both father and daughter, and when Ella made her decision and took off running at her dad, his tall frame was already up and out of his chair. She threw herself at him and his strong arms caught her, just as a father should. Ella’s thin arms curled around his neck and Tor was gentle with her, pressing his lips to her forehead, closing his eyes and rocking her back and forth.
My hand lifted and came to rest over my heart. Relief had me deflating.
All may not have been right in the world, but in this world, in our small bubble, we were working to make tomorrow better than yesterday.
Afterwards, in bed, Tor held me in very much the same way. He couldn’t have possibly known about what happened the day my father died, but nevertheless, he atoned in the only way he knew how. With soft caresses and even softer words whispered at the shell of my ear. And when his lips touched my own in an honest and frank apology, my own parted and pressed into him in acceptance.
* * *
Tor watched me closely.He read my face easily and quickly surmised, “You’re sitting on something.”
I was feeling good. Things had been better than… well… ever, in my case. Tor and I had no secrets. Everything was out in the open. We were learning to communicate better, but he was right. I was sitting on something. Something big.