An ache squeezes my heart. “She had Alzheimer’s.”
“Or something like that,” Andreas agrees. “But it was hard to say it was a sad story, you know? Because they’d had so many years together before things got bad. And even the way they were right then—while I was watching, there was a moment when she turned to him and said his name and just beamed at him, and all his sadness disappeared. He looked like he figured he was the luckiest guy alive.”
The ache expands into something brighter and bittersweet. The words just tumble out. “Griffin would have loved that story.”
“Yeah, I bet he would have.”
Andreas rests his hand against the back of my shoulder, not quite an embrace but like an offering of one. When I hold still, he moves it to finish teasing apart the last tangled bits of my hair, and I wince inwardly against the pang of my regret.
“He was the heart of our group,” Drey goes on. “I mean, it was obvious even when he was there, but it gotreallyfucking obvious when he was gone. I’ve tried to fill that gap, because the other guys sure as hell don’t know how to, but I’m not sure I’ve done all that great a job.”
His voice has gone raw. The sound cracks something inside me.
I reach back and grasp his forearm. His hands go still.
“You’ve been here for me,” I say. “You have no idea how much that matters to me.”
Andreas swallows audibly. He tips his head forward so I can feel his breath tickle over my hair. My whole body wakes up to tingling alertness and a starker craving I can’t pretend away.
But how can I even be thinking about him like that when—
As if he’s followed my train of thought, Andreas’s voice comes out halting but gentle.
“Tink, there’s something you haven’t told us about what happened when you and Griffin were getting out of the facility, isn’t there?”
Twenty-Seven
Riva
The instant Andreas’s question hits me, I choke up. “I—”
No other sound will emerge.
There are things I haven’t told them about our failed escape attempt, yes—and reasons I haven’t, too.
Andreas combs his fingers through my unknotted hair before trailing them down my arm from shoulder to elbow. His other hand shifts to grip mine where I reached for him.
“Maybe if you explain it to me, I can make the other guys understand.Iknow you wouldn’t have hurt any of us on purpose.”
Tears well up behind my eyes. For a second, I can’t even breathe. I grapple with the impulse to wrench myself away from him—because I’m not really sure I deserve the compassion he’s offering.
But he just admitted his own worries to me. He told me stories when I asked.
How can I shut him out when he’s the only one who’s even tried to letmein?
I want someone to know. My mind balks against the admission, but at the same time I have the sense of relief just beyond my fingertips.
I start slowly, my body braced to jerk myself back if the territory starts to feel too treacherous. “It all happened the way I already told you. Until—we got outside, and we were waiting for the rest of you, and itseemedlike no one was anywhere nearby. And I just—it was so stupid, doing it right then—but I’d wanted to for so long, and it felt so good being so close to getting free—”
My voice fades out. Andreas waits, a patience to his silence that doesn’t feel like pressure.
“I kissed him,” I whisper, and suddenly I’m blinking back tears that have overflowed. “I kissed Griffin instead of keeping watch or checking the surroundings, and the second we stopped kissing, they shot him, just like that, he was justgone, and I— I couldn’t even stay with him or say anything to him while he died because they tackled me and dragged me away.”
A sob cuts off anything else I would have said. My head droops.
Both of Andreas’s arms come around me. He hugs me close like he did in the car before, but an incredulous note colors his tone when he speaks. “Isthatthe big mistake you’ve been feeling so guilty about?”
“I screwed up,” I mumble between hitches of breath as I fight to regain control over my emotions. “What kind of idiot goes for a kiss when we were in the middle of the most dangerous mission we could possibly attempt—when everyone’s lives were on the line— I wanted all of us out there more than anything, and I gambled it all away for a few seconds of… ofthat.”