‘Have two different opinions on the same thing.’
‘Textbook says forgiveness is good. Textbook says forgiveness promotes healing and growth. Textbook never met Kim Stone.’
‘Ah, I see.’
‘In a normal situation, people would probably be ready to offer some level of forgiveness after thirty-plus years. Maybe the edges of their anger have been smoothed, maybe they want the negativity out of their lives. You’re the opposite – you’ve fed it and cultivated the hatred over the years. Your anger is as fresh as the day Mikey died.’
‘Using your superpowers there, Ted,’ Kim said, teasing Barney with the ball.
‘Not really. Just observation.’
‘I thought you’d tell me I’d missed my chance.’
‘You’ve only missed your chance for her to hear it, not your chance to do it.’
Exactly what Leanne King had said to her while she’d been deconstructing the toaster.
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Ted spoke again.
‘So what about the other thing?’
‘Nope. Not talking about that.’
‘Okay. Not talking about it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. But okay, I’ll talk about it instead. There’s a lot going on with this one. There’s the actual incident itself as well as the aftermath.’
‘Ted,’ she warned. No one had ever been able to read her like Ted, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to hear this.
‘What you did was brave, selfless, stupid, foolhardy and the only thing you could do. You offered your own life to save those girls. During the attack you experienced so many different emotions: fear, rage, helplessness, vulnerability, inadequacy, which all left their mark and will have to be worked through over time. Your body was punished and beaten past its limits of endurance to the point it gave up. It closed down. You died.’
Kim could feel the tension seeping into her jaw. She didn’t need to be reminded.
‘All of that is bad enough to deal with. But it’s not the thing. I’ll come to the thing in a minute. You’re also having to deal with the paradox. Everyone else sees the positives of what you did. You saved those girls and you were happy to give your life to do it. You were commended. You’re a hero.’
‘Ted,’ she warned again.
‘And you don’t want it. You don’t feel like a hero. You don’t feel that you deserve the accolades because a true hero would be dead and you’re still alive.’
‘I’d do it again,’ she said.
‘I don’t doubt it. We already have a lot to deal with which would take months if not years to unravel so I know you hoodwinked your therapist. Did you even mention the nightmares, the real ones?’
‘How did you…?’
‘How could you not? No matter how much you hide all this stuff away, it’s still in there somewhere,’ he said, tapping his temple. ‘It’s no less real because you ignore its presence. It’s the way you’ve dealt with trauma your whole life. We both know there will come a day when your method no longer works, but you can’t be told so I’ll save my breath. As if that wasn’t enough, there’s still the thing.’
‘What’s the thing?’ she asked, safe that he couldn’t possibly know.
‘You offered your life. You made a bargain, a deal and you survived. In making that deal, you said goodbye.’ He paused. ‘I had a colleague once who emigrated to New Zealand. Two days before he left there was a huge party, family, friends, acquaintances. There were presents, tears, farewells and good wishes. Two months later he came back. Few people were fussed. They’d said goodbye. That’s what you did as you took your last few breaths. You said your farewells. You were ready to die, and then you came back, and nothing looks quite the same any more.’
Kim said nothing to be careful not to give herself away.
‘It’s like you’ve returned to a slightly different world, a parallel universe. You’re displaced, a stranger in your own life. You’re detached, playing a part as opposed to living the life. Is that a fair assessment?’
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ Kim said as she reached for his mug to get a refill.
She prayed he didn’t notice the tremble in her hand.
THIRTY-FOUR