He guffawed. “No, I don’t think you do.” He put his hands on his hips and paced. He stopped. “Elizabeth.” He rubbed his hands over his face and then resumed pacing. “What am I going to do?”
I couldn’t help him. I didn’t even know how to help myself. I didn’t have the mental energy to allow myself to fall in love again. And I knew that if I fell in love with Brett, my heart would never repair itself.
I went to him. I stood in front of him so he would stop pacing. “Please, Brett. I can’t do this with you. I can’t give you what you think you want from me.” I turned and stepped towards the door. I opened it. “Please.”
He didn’t budge.
I tried not to cry.
He whispered, “Don’t do this.”
I opened the door wider. Todd sat at my feet looking from him to me, and back again.
When I didn’t respond, he walked towards the door. Before leaving, he leaned down and kissed me. I needed him like I needed to breathe. But I couldn’t take the risk. I stepped back and choked out, “Good-bye.”
He grabbed his coat from the hall tree, turned, and walked away.
Chapter 10
My heart shattered.I cried myself to sleep that night. No one called me. I had no one to call. The loneliness I’d been masking for the past three years rose up and hit me like a brick.
Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke to the sound of a jet. I stared at the ceiling, imagining him at the small regional airport down the street.
I imagined him all bundled up, his duffle bag slung over his shoulder, a Seattle Kraken beanie on his head, standing on the tarmac, waiting for the steps of the airplane to descend.
I rolled to my side and checked my phone for messages. Nothing. Twenty minutes later, the roar of jet engines flew back over my cabin. He was officially gone. I cried some more.
The next two days, I showed up for patrol duty, smiled, and did my job. When I first moved to Alaska, working two jobs had helped keep my mind from wandering. It had also surrounded me with people that I didn’t really need to get close to. Now, it seemed like a chore. Gray and monotonous.
On Christmas day, the ski runs were almost overflowing with families. To the children’s delight, Santa made a visit on his sleigh, pulling up right in front of the tram, as if magically appearing from above. Brightly colored packages that had been wrapped by the resort staff, overflowed the over-sized red velvet bags.
Thomas, Margo, and I stood next to the sleigh, helping to hand out the gifts. A cacophony of “Me next!” and “Santa, over here!” surrounded us.
Margo whispered to me, “Gah, can you imagine having kids?”
I laughed softly at her youth. I thought of Brett. His children would be absolute terrors. And probably full of love. I didn’t respond to her rhetorical question.
My phone pinged in my pocket. My heart raced. I looked at Thomas. “I’ll be right back.”
I stepped away and pulled my phone from my pocket. Mom. “Uh.” I sighed heavily. I inhaled again, and exhaled heavily, puffing out my cheeks. Might as well get it out of the way. I stepped away from all the children. “Hi, Mom.”
My entire family chorused, “Merry Christmas!”
My gut clenched. “Hey, everyone.”
My younger sister, Amy, chimed in, “I’ve redecorated your condo. You’re going to have to sell it to me now.”
I put my finger in my left ear so I could hear them better. “We’ll see.”
“It’s not like you need it.”
“Amy!” My mother chastised. “Elizabeth, we are missing you today.”
My older sister, Amanda, said, close to the phone, “I miss you, Lizzy.”
My throat closed at the use of her nickname for me. My eyes were hot. “Uh-huh. I miss you guys too.”
Sounding far away, my dad shouted. “There’s a full stocking here for you.”