Two things had become clear to him in the moment he’d known she was in danger. One, he loved her, and love wasn’t at all the smoke and mirrors sort of trickery he’d always imagined it to be. He wanted to cherish her and keep her safe as much as he wanted to make love to her. Two, he couldn’t go on like this. Not if she was never going to love him in return.
* * *
JOCELYN HAD JUST SETTLED Oliver into bed for the night when Winston met her in the hallway outside the nursery. “Inspector Ness is here, my lady. He’s waiting for you in the sitting room.”
Her heart gave a glad thud, and she couldn’t control the smile that broke out on her face. He’d come! She’d so hoped he would. “Thank you, Winston.”
She thought about stopping by her bedroom to check her appearance and freshen up, but her need to throw herself into the protection of his strong arms trumped her vanity. She raced down the stairs, screeching to a halt outside the sitting room doors. Taking a deep breath, she made an effort to compose herself, then went inside.
Sebastian had been standing by the window, but when she entered, he crossed the room to her side, kicking the door shut with his foot and then pulling her into a fierce embrace. “I was so worried about you.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said, burying her face against his chest, which still held some of the chill from outside but also his unique scent. “I shouldn’t have gone there. I know that now.”
“You’ve taken good security measures,” he told her approvingly. “I was glad to see that when I arrived. And Blackstone is going to put a man on your house until we bring Danbury to justice. I don’t think he’ll come here, but you must promise me you won’t go anywhere alone.”
“I promise,” she assured him, glad that he wasn’t taking her to task for being so foolish in the first place. “I’m so glad you’ve come. I was hoping you would.”
“When I saw you there...” He shook his head, his gaze haunted. “I’ve never felt such fear.”
Her heart thrilled at his concern even as she felt overwhelmed with guilt for causing it. She lifted her face toward his, about to apologize once again, but before she could, he covered her mouth with his, kissing her with fierce possession.
All her thoughts fell away as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back just as hungrily. In his arms, she felt as though nothing could hurt her.
Just when she thought he’d lay her down on the sofa and truly make everything else fade away, he broke away, breathing heavily. Taking a few steps away from her, he ran a trembling hand through his hair.
“I can’t...” He shook his head, meeting her gaze, and what she saw in his blue eyes took her breath away, and not in a good way. “I can’t do this with you anymore, Jocelyn.”
“Do what?” she asked, but she was very afraid she knew.
“This afternoon, when I saw you at the Blackstones’ townhouse, my fear for you was so intense that it made me realize how much I care for you.”
Her heart swelled at his words, but they belied the look in his eyes, and confusion filled her. She tried to respond but before she could think what to say, he held up his hand. “I care for you too much to keep taking from you this way. To risk getting you with child when you’ve made it so clear that you don’t want to marry me. You don’t want my child.”
But I do!
As she stared into his beautiful, beloved face, she realized that even though she’d sworn she’d never fall in love, had been so certain she never wanted to marry again, she hadn’t taken into account that she’d meet someone like Sebastian Ness. She knew that he’d never hurt her, that she could trust him with all that she had. A union with this man would be a joy, not a prison.
His face gentled, and he reached out and cupped her face. “But I have to thank you, because you made me realize that I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to share my life with someone. I want to start a family. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us if we continue on as we have.”
“What are you saying?” she asked, feeling dizzy at the thought of him marrying someone else. “You don’t want to see me anymore?”
“I’ll never stop wanting to see you,” he said softly. “I love you, Jocelyn. But I’m letting you go. I understand why you want your freedom, but I want more than an occasional tumble. I will not be anyone’s dalliance, not even yours.”
The fact that he’d felt used by her was startling, but she realized that the things she’d said the other morning had made him feel that sex was all she wanted from him. She stared at him, tears filling her eyes, as she struggled to find the words to tell him what he meant to her.
“Don’t cry,” he said, his voice pained. “The last thing I want is to hurt you. But it’s too hard for me to continue like this, given how I feel.” He closed the distance between them and kissed her tenderly on the forehead. “I want you to be happy, darling.”
With that, he turned and headed toward the door, and she realized that this was it. He was truly leaving her. If he walked out that door, she’d probably never see him again.
Was her need to retain her independence worth losing him?
“Stop,” she cried, finally able to speak. “If you walk away from me, I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again.”
He paused, his hand on the door, but he didn’t turn around. “You will,” he said, his voice strangled. “If all you really want is a lover, there are many men who’d be more than happy to provide that for you.”
“I don’t want anyone else.” She strode toward him and wrapped her arms around him from behind, finding him stiff and unyielding. “You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted, Sebastian. I love you, too.”
He turned in her arms, tilting her face up to his. “Do you mean that?” he demanded. “Don’t say it if it isn’t true.”