“Nothing is easy,” he agreed. “My job is a lesson is frustration.”
“Then why do you do it?” she asked seriously. “What made you decide you wanted to do this line of work?”
He scoffed and took a few drinks of wine, realizing that he needed to tell her at least a little bit of his background or evade the question completely. “I became a police officer because that was the avenue offered to me, a chance to become something more than the life I was born into. I’ve been lucky in that I seem to be well suited to it, even luckier that I’ve managed to rise through the ranks. And there are aspects of it I enjoy. But I have no deep passion for it.”
“What are you passionate about?” she asked softly.
“I don’t think anybody has ever asked me that before,” he admitted, shaking his head. “Even sadder is the fact that I don’t have a ready answer for you. For too long, I’ve simply been putting one foot in front of the other, existing in my life instead of living it. The night you came to me was the first exciting thing that has happened to me in ages. And ever since, I’ve felt a renewed spark and eagerness to see what tomorrow brings.”
Her blue eyes sparkled as she stared up at him. “I feel the same, Quinn. And that’s why I want to be your lover. I want to keep exploring these magical feelings that I have when I’m with you.”
He pushed his hand through his hair in mingled excitement and dismay. “I never wanted to tell you certain things about my past. But I don’t know any other way to explain my reservations.”
She bit her lip, obviously nervous about what he might say, but then nodded. “As I said before, I want to know everything about you. There’s nothing you could say that could make me think less of you.”
He sighed and sat back against the sofa, putting a little bit more space between them. “As I told Miss Fields, both of my parents died when I was very young.”
She reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing tightly, though she did not say anything, and the sweet gesture gave him the courage to go on.
“I was sent to an orphanage, along with my two younger sisters. This place was nothing like Brookhaven; Fiona always makes certain the children in her care know love. I was shown no kindness there. My sisters were adopted out one after another, leaving me entirely alone, and I’ve never been able to find them to this day, even with all the resources available to me now.”
“Oh, Quinn,” she whispered. “You were so alone.”
He nodded, forcing away the pang of loss he still felt for his little sisters. “One day, a woman came and spoke to me for a few moments. She was very beautiful and kind, obviously wealthy and well-bred. Her name was Sophia Howard, the Countess of Bridgewater. I’d never met anyone like her. The next day, I was put on a train and sent to Devon. When I arrived, the countess met me at the station. We journeyed by carriage to her seaside estate, and she told me that I was going to live with her now.”
Recognition had lit her eyes when he’d mentioned the countess’s name, and he realized that she knew Sophia. Of course, she did. The ton was a very small social circle. But she just smiled encouragingly, waiting for him to go on.
He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. He’d never recounted this story to a single soul, but it seemed right that he tell her. “During the next few months, my life changed dramatically. At first, I thought I’d been brought there to be a servant, but she treated me like a... son. She lavished love and attention on me, neither of which I’d ever been given before. I had a tutor who taught me all the things a little lord should know. I had a pony and a spacious room overlooking the ocean. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.”
“I’ve met Lady Bridgewater a time or two,” Allison said. “I heard that Lord Bridgewater sent her away when she failed to give him an heir. She must have needed a child to love.”
“I thought so too. And for several years, I lived a charmed existence, as I assume most boys of your class do. But then... when I was fifteen... everything changed.” He cleared his throat in embarrassment. “She began to teach me the things that you’ve wanted me to teach you.”
Allison gasped. “But you were just a boy! And she was... practically your mother.”
He laughed uncomfortably. “I suppose she was lonely. We were so isolated in that kingdom by the sea. I don’t want to think that she brought me there for that purpose, but after nearly three years of us being... lovers, she went to London and brought another young boy home.”
“Oh, Quinn.” She tightened her hold on his hand, seeming to understand where the story was headed.
He squeezed her hand back and forged on. “As soon as the younger boy arrived, she became cold to me. She lavished her love and attention on him, as she’d once done with me. I thought that she loved me, thought that I would live with her forever, but then she told me she’d arranged for me to join the police force and put me back on the train with fifty pounds and a careless kiss on the cheek. I’ve never seen her again.”
With a soft cry, she threw her free arm around his neck and pulled him into a fierce embrace. “That horrid woman.”
He pressed his face into the sweet-smelling cloud of her hair, taking comfort in her sweetness and realizing that she was the first person since Sophia who’d ever offered him any comfort at all. “I’ve asked myself a thousand times whether she truly was horrible or if she did love me in some way.”
“She took advantage of you in the most horrible, unnatural way,” Allison said indignantly.
“Perhaps, but if not for her, I would not be where I am today. I would probably be lucky to have made it to adulthood at all. Even if I had, I likely would have become one of the street urchins we saw earlier.” He laughed roughly. “I realize that, and I’m grateful to be here in my snug little house with an education and a job that allows me to help people. But perhaps you see now why I can’t be another rich woman’s plaything.”
She gasped and sat back, meeting his gaze with tears sparkling in her eyes. “That’s not what you are to me, Quinn. I would never use you and then discard you.”
He smiled tenderly and tucked a strand of silky blond hair behind her ear. “I know that’s not your intention, princess.”
“The only way one of us could use the other was if one of us didn’t want this.” She swallowed visibly. “Don’t you want me?”
He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, praying for strength. “Of course, I want you. You are beautiful and sweet, and making love to you would surely be one of the best experiences of my life. But you’ve already said you have no intention of marrying, so there is no future in this for me. I am almost thirty, of an age where I would love to find a woman to share my life, to start a family, and I cannot do that if I’m involved with you.”
Her expression darkened. “Isn’t that supposed to be what the woman says? That she wants to marry and start a family? Aren’t men supposed to take every opportunity to rut that they’re given?”