“You assumed wrong. I don’t wish to marry. Not now, not ever.”
He frowned, his head spinning. “I know it may seem incomprehensible now—”
“No, you are not listening,” she bit out. “This has nothing to do with me being too young. I know what I want for my future, and that does not include marriage. If the Oddments don’t need husbands, I don’t either.”
His frown deepened.The Oddments? Bronwyn’s friends? He thought back to Miss Athwart, so furious as she faced him, ready to go to battle for her friend. But what did she, or any of the others, have to do with anything?
Before he could question her on it, however, she was hustling him toward the door. “Now I’m sure you must prepare for your journey on the morrow,” she said, her voice dripping disdain. “Do give my regards to Mr. Beecher.”
In the next instant he was in the hallway, the door slammed in his face. What the devil had that been about?
He didn’t have long to wonder, however, for suddenly Bronwyn was at his side.
“You mustn’t be cross with her,” she said softly, pulling him away from the door. “She’s merely upset at your leaving and is lashing out.”
Which he knew. Ah, God, he knew. But with guilt piling on guilt from Miss Athwart’s attack, the unexpectedness of Regina’s declarations, and the grief he’d been so desperately trying to bury, when he looked down into Bronwyn’s face and realized this was the last time he would see her in God knew how long, if ever again, something broke in him.
“What the hell was she going on about? What was that about the Oddments and her decision to not ever marry?”
Bronwyn, her features already unnaturally wan, paled further. “I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Regina,” he snapped. “She declares she will not ever marry. She claims your friends are proof she does not need a husband.”
Confusion was palpable on Bronwyn’s face. It was obvious she didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. But his fear and anxiety and self-hatred and grief would not be silenced, drowning out all common sense.
“Dammit, Bronwyn, I cannot have the girls influenced in such a way. They need to prepare to take their proper places in the world, a world that will not be kind to them if—”
If the truth was ever found out about their parentage.But the words lodged in his throat, pain lancing through him until he could hardly breathe.
Bronwyn blanched. Then she flushed with fury, her body going rigid, hands forming into white-knuckled fists at her side. “If they remain unmarried.Isn’t that what you were going to say?”
He gaped at her, horrified that she would assume such a thing. “No, of course not—”
But Bronwyn was beyond hearing him. “Because heaven forbid a woman does not conform to what society deems appropriate. No matter what we may wish to do with our lives, what dreams and aspirations we may have, we are merely women, after all. How lucky for you to find someone so desperate she could not possibly refuse you. What a laugh you must have had.”
“I never laughed at you, Bronwyn,” he tried, reaching for her hand.
She snapped it out of his reach. “It matters naught,” she said, her voice acidic. “I shall have a better time of it than most, I suppose. I secured as much freedom as I was able to before submitting. I can only hope the girls are solucky.”
With that, she spun about and marched down the hall to her room, slamming the door behind her. The sound echoed through the great gaping emptiness in his chest. He came close to rushing after her, taking her in his arms, confessing how dearly he loved her and the girls and that she was everything to him.
But in the end he garnered enough willpower to head for his own room. And, for good measure, he immediately made his way to the door connecting his room to Bronwyn’s and viciously turned the key. He would not visit her tonight, or ever again. If he did, there was no doubt in his mind he would break down and confess his heart to her. And he refused to be so selfish. Yes, she was angry, and hurting. But better that she hurt a bit now than suffer at his side for the rest of her life. And no matter how much she might come to hate him, it could never come close to how deeply he hated himself.
Chapter 20
In the five days since Ash’s departure from Caulnedy, Bronwyn had done everything in her power to keep herself and the girls busy. They hardly spent a moment inside the manor house, instead filling their time by exploring every corner of Synne they could manage.
All save for the Elven Pools, of course. No, she would not be able to return to that place for a long while.
Even as she filled the girls’ days with activities and outings, all in an effort to heal their hearts from the beatings they had taken upon Ash’s leaving, she had nevertheless known it would not be so easy for her. While she was as exhausted as the girls each night when they finally retired to their beds, there was no effortless slipping off to sleep for Bronwyn. Though her body ached and her eyes burned from exhaustion, her mind spun, whirling like a hurricane in her head, each moment she’d spent with Ash as clear as day. And with the memories came hot tears that tracked down her face and fell to her pillow. Damn him. Damn him for getting past her carefully built defenses and making her love him.
But no, she had to remind herself time and time again, he had not made her do anything. She had no one to blame but herself. She had been the one to insist he remain on Synne for a fortnight, and that they should live as man and wife for that time. If she had just swallowed her pride and braved the talk his desertion would have caused, allowing him to return to London immediately as he’d wanted, she would not now be pining to have him back in her arms. And she would have gone on, blithely unaware of how wonderful a person he truly was, though he tried his damnedest to hide it from the world.
Most importantly, she would not have forgotten that she would never be loved for who she was. No, she would have remained alone for the rest of her life had she not befriended two young girls by chance. A horrible fate, as far as society was concerned, and unfortunately an opinion held by Ash as well. Hadn’t he let her know the night before he left, after all, that the world would not look kindly on his wards if they did not marry? It was the one thing expected of a woman, after all, and something he expected for his wards as well.
It should not have pained her that he felt that way. Didn’t most people? She and her friends were in the minority. It was why they had formed the Oddments. Even so, it stung to know he expected a woman to marry, though that woman may want a different future. No doubt his enthusiasm for her chosen profession was merely because of her already having married him, and therefore there could be no harm in it.
But these thoughts were getting her nowhere. Shaking her head, she grabbed up her reticule and made her way from her room. The Oddments were meeting this morning, and she and Regina had planned on attending together. The girl had fairly blossomed at the meeting the week before, and Bronwyn had recognized her expression well. It was full of the same emotions that had taken her over when she had attended her first meeting with her friends, a recognition that she had finally found people who could understand her.