Hanna: Spare me the details. I just want to know how long you’ve been sleeping with her. I always told myself that I was crazy for even thinking about it.
Me: Wait, when did you think it?
Hanna: How long, Eric. That’s the question, answer it or leave me alone.
Me: I swear to you, I’ve never cheated on you. I can’t believe you would even assume that.
Hanna: WHEN
I seriously consider lying to her to spare the shit storm I’m going to create for myself, but instead, I start at the very beginning.
Me: The night of the wedding.
Her instant response makes my heart beat faster.
Hanna: You slept with my best friend the same day you were supposed to marry me?
Me: No! That’s not what I meant. It’s not about sex.
Hanna: You know what? Just save it. I’ve spent three months feeling guilty for everything while you were sneaking around with my best friend.
Me: Let’s just talk in person. Please.
Hanna: No. The time to talk to me was three months ago. Hell, even two months ago. I was giving you space like you wanted. I just didn’t know the space was needed to fuck my best friend. The window is closed.
Me: FINE! You’re allowed to be mad at me! But you need to talk to Karly. None of this is her fault.
Hanna: The days of you telling me what I need to do are over, don’t you think?
I grip the key between my forefinger and thumb and sling it across the kitchen, the clanging sound echoing off the marble tile. It makes me sick to think I’m the reason for all of this, and it’s my fault.
But it is.
The next four days feel like years, and I don’t hear anything from Hanna or Karly. Complete radio silence. Every minute at work drags by in slow motion, and I take more breaks than usual to check my phone. There is one message, but it’s not at all what I expected.
Lainey: Care to explain?
Me: Explain what?
Lainey: Why everyone is saying that you and Hanna didn’t get married because you were sleeping with her best friend.
Me: Jesus, who is saying that?
Lainey: The whole school. Why did you lie to me?
Me: Lainey, I didn’t lie to you. I only got close to Karly after the wedding.
Lainey: It seems fast, Eric.
Me: Are you calling me a liar?
Lainey: I don’t trust anyone. You are the one who taught me that. I just didn’t think you were like dad.
Leaving the hospital, I debate running through a drive-thru, but my appetite is zero. So instead, I just head home. The drive from Savannah to Oak Valley is about twenty minutes, which I’ve gotten used to over the years. It’s an excellent time to think; honestly, I’ve been thinking a lot about Hanna. More than I probably should. The more I think about everything that’s happened, though, the more I realize that every single moment, every heartbreak, has led me here.
For months I blocked everything Hanna-related out of my mind. It felt like it would be easier to cope that way. I’m still dealing with it. It still hurts because I do still love them. I can admit that. I don’t know in what capacity it was, not after what I’ve felt these past few weeks, but I know it was real.
Looking back, I know how wrong I was to avoid the entire thing. It’s just that Hanna was the only girl I’d ever really gotten attached to. I’d known her and loved her long enough to have arguments with her and not worry about losing her. Something I was not used to because, like I told Lainey, I didn’t trust anyone. Somehow amid the comfort, we found ourselves questioning everything. When I started to worry again, that’s when I knew I didn’t want to live like that.