“How much would he need to do before he crossed a line?”
His question seemed like an extension of my thoughts. “I don’t know.”
“So you’re willing to wait for him to cross it when he was aggressive before you even started working?”
I didn’t know. I didn’t even know whether he remembered, if I mattered enough for him to remember, much less whether he was remorseful or if I thought he’d try something like that again. “I’ll know he’s crossed a line when and if he crosses it.”
Ryan shook his head but didn’t say anything. We ate in silence for a while, the soft murmur of conversation from the surrounding tables serving as background noise. I tried to listen, but Ryan’s eyes remained on mine as if he were weighing the pros and cons of revisiting the subject of Andrew again. He clearly didn’t like the answer I’d given him.
When he did say something, it was only after he’d finished his sandwich, emptied his tea, and cleaned up all the crumbs from his plate.
“I need you to believe what I’m about to say. Can you do that?”
It was a weird way to start a new conversation, but I nodded.
“I want a relationship with James. I do not want a relationship with Darlene. Our goal is to be good parents to our son, but she has Duke, and even if she didn’t, we have come to terms with our roles in each other’s lives. In James’s life.”
I nodded, something opening within me that gave me a little comfort. I didn’t want to argue with him. The fact that he was determined to be so sincere meant a lot. I believed him. Ryan and I had met at what felt like the worst times in our life, but we still found each other, and it seemed like we both still wanted to explore whether that was chance or fate. He’d said and done a few things that I didn’t like, but he was a work in progress. Like me.
“I need you to be honest with me if you’re going to keep that job. I’m itching to kick some asshole into next week.”
I broke out into laughter, and a chunk of bread came with it. When it landed on my plate, I just laughed harder, but it was so embarrassing that I couldn’t stop. Ryan just sat there smiling at me.
I tried to settle down so the rest of the restaurant wouldn’t stare if they weren’t already. But when I got my laughter down to remnants of giggles, Ryan was still staring, that same look in his eyes, and desire took over my insides, bringing my giggles to a halt. He remained silent, his eyes dark, hungry, and despite our lunch, it whet my appetite.
“Want to go back to the hotel?”
I nodded. After paying for our food, we left, and the walk back to the hotel was slow but close. I didn’t realize he was holding my hand until it felt slick with sweat, but by then, my chest was pulsing with excitement, shock, confusion, and wonder. My doubts from earlier evaporated with the heat of desire drawing our souls nearer, nearer, up the elevator, and into my room.
We didn’t raid the fridge for alcohol this time, and he didn’t leap at me either. I’d expected it—it took effort for me not to do it—but when he lay on the bed and beckoned me to join him, I crawled to his side and into his embrace.
We didn’t speak, didn’t talk, and at that moment, I realized how much I still wanted him. I wanted to know why he was the way he was, and I wanted him to know me, too. I wanted to explore his mind and heart and be part of his journey to being a better father.
It was strange how easily I clung to the idea of being with a man whose life seemed so much farther ahead of my own. But that wasn’t what this was about. We were two souls fighting for worth in different ways, searching for that special place where we felt whole.
Special place. I played with the words until I remembered when I’d thought about them last. The park. Where Darlene and Ryan used to go when they were dating, where he proposed to her...
“What are you thinking about?” Ryan asked, his finger twirling a small lock of my hair.
I smiled, but it only made it to one side of my face. “Don’t think it’s dumb.”
“I won’t.”
“The park.”
He stopped his twirling and rolled over, so he was hovering over me. “The park?”
I nodded, brushing my fingertips through his chest hair until he trembled. “You and Darlene talked about it. Your place. Where you guys went a lot. She talked about it as if it were somewhere you were supposed to take me.”
He leaned toward my lips but didn’t kiss them. Instead, he nibbled my lower lip, then traveled down my neck and back up to my ear, kissing the bottom of my lobe. “Remember that last time we met? I sent you directions, but we came in here instead.”
I scoffed. “And you took advantage of me?”
“I did not.”
I giggled. “I remember.”
“That was the park. The place I texted you.”